Stu Bykofsky: Do YOU need a special Council district?
AS A BIG story by Catherine Lucey told you the other day, redistricting comes around every 10 years, more frequently than the Comet Kohoutek and less frequently than Eagles' post-season appearances.
AS A BIG story by Catherine Lucey told you the other day, redistricting comes around every 10 years, more frequently than the Comet Kohoutek and less frequently than Eagles' post-season appearances.
Redistricting determines which political district you reside in, or will be moved to, willingly or not. On the federal and state level, there's a lot riding on it because the party in power gets to create a crazy quilt of boundaries.
After the national census, the political dragons and drones dig in to jigger districts to protect their pawns and dilute the other guys' power. It's shameful, but talking shame to a politician is like talking manners to a maggot.
As a protectorate of the Democratic Party, Philadelphia has no worries on that score. Once elected, Philly Dems have the job for life - and sometimes beyond. They don't have to waste their time trying to protect Democrats, they can waste their time making sure the species that forms their power base are, um, properly enfranchised.
I thought that voting itself did that, but I guess I was wrong.
Lucey reported on turmoil 10 years ago, when some on Council tried to create a heavily Hispanic district. It worked as well as Commissioner Gordon summoning Batman with a glow stick. The same thing could happen again next year.
I understand, but don't like, creating districts by ethnocentricity. It smacks of self-selected apartheid.
Anyway, Council is being too parochial. Why stop with Hispanics? Don't other special-interest groups deserve districts?
Police, for instance. Give them the Far Northeast. They already own it.
How about gays? They enjoy clout in the "Gayborhood," already decorated with rainbow street signs, but with Council's OK just imagine the explosion of fabulous antique shops, adorable BYOBs, art galleries (and leather bars).
A Jock District might encompass Citizens Bank, Lincoln Financial, Wachovia, the Palestra and Little Petey's half-ball court in Essington.
Since the city is almost equally divided between whites and blacks, make it official: A Black District and a White District. (Oh! We already have North Philly and Chestnut Hill? Never mind.)
To complete the persecution of smokers, let's have a Nicotine District, where they will be segregated, hugging the oil refineries. It already smells there.
How about a Gun District, for people who believe in their right to be armed? It would be centrally located, crime-free, but kind of noisy.
In the Cougar District, women approaching AARP age would go commando at Rouge. It would be a small district, comprising Rittenhouse Square and high-end boutiques on nearby Walnut Street.
The dumbbell-shaped Bicycling District could run along the waterfront and be connected to the Parkway by 676. Residents would ride on sidewalks. The Skateboard District, for the underaged and unemployed, might be under I-95.
Speaking of under, the Heaven and El District is where to find crack hos plying their trade under the tracks.
Can you imagine a Graying Hippie District in West Mount Airy, adjacent to the Brie, Chardonnay & Birkenstock District in the Northwest? (Free on-street parking for Volvos!)
For a Hipster District, let's connect Northern Liberties and Fishtown for pierced, soul-patched and tramp-stamped singles, so they won't have to run around like dogs in heat to find someone to sleep with.
Finally, the Newspaper District, gerrymandered to include the Daily News, Inquirer, Al Dia, Gay News and City Paper, where things are quiet and getting more quiet all the time.
E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns: