NYU professor says more are living singly, for better or worse

What if society were changing, really rapidly, and no one noticed?

Perhaps some glimpsed it here and there, but thought it was just something in the family. Or something a friend or two did. But no one ever put it all together.

Eric Klinenberg, professor of sociology at New York University, says that's exactly what's happening.

"More and more people are opting to live by themselves than ever before in our society," he says. "It's a global phenomenon, and in this country it's happened in the last 60 years, and we're not talking about it much."

Klinenberg's new book, Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone (Penguin Press, $27.95), looks at singlehood in all its many colors. He'll be speaking at a noontime colloquium at Annenberg School for Communication at the University of Pennsylvania on Friday.

In 1950, 22 percent of U.S. adults were unmarried, and four million, or 9 percent of all households, were living singly. As of 2010 (the latest year available), more than half of all adults were single, and 31 million, or about 28 percent of all households, were living by themselves. (That latter number leaves out the eight million in assisted living, nursing homes, or prisons.)

A color-coded "living-alone map" of Philadelphia - showing the proportion of nonfamily households - displays a rich band of singles in Center City, about a mile square from the Delaware River to the Schuylkill, and also, as you might expect, in West Philadelphia, near the universities. The town is richly strewed with pockets that are 10 to 15 percent solo.

Some are single by choice and others by chance, and it's not always happy. Many would echo Mary Shedlock of Wallingford, who lost her husband at 54: "I think the 'used to it' part will be a long time in coming for me."

The growing singles sector shows "resourcefulness and originality," Klinenberg says, "in creating rich, diverse social networks that function as family, as support, as safety." Most singles are not isolated couch-sitters. Millions are engaged, committed citizens.

According to U.S. Census data, nearly half of the self-living are between 35 and 64. Those 65 and over number 10 million. Adults 18 to 34 make up five million (compared with 500,000 in 1950), the fastest-growing sector of singles. Both the figures and their meaning are disputed. That's social science for you. But many people look at these figures, especially the shrinkage - or is it rightsizing? - of the married segment, and see a huge change.

Rightsizing marriage? Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., cautions against seeing a "decline of marriage," even though the proportion of married adults is smaller than ever. "Relatively few people elect to live their whole lives outside of marriage or significant other," she says. What's happening is that "more of us are waiting longer before entering into marriage, and more of us are outliving our spouses."

Young adults wait longer for it, and older adults live longer past it. For the young, "it's now more optional: We can afford, we feel, to have high standards. As of 1960, it was what you did. Today, it isn't, and many prefer to cohabitate and won't go into a marriage unless they feel emotionally and economically secure." For another thing, "more and more of us have direct personal experience of divorce: that of our parents," Coontz says, "and we'd rather not repeat it, if we can."

As single-living Meg Fasy, 47, of Philadelphia, puts it: "I would love to be in love and have someone love me back, but I won't settle, so unless that happens, I will continue to build on my life and make it better and more fulfilling every year."

For worse and better. Those interviewed by e-mail for this article generally celebrated being single, but almost all said it was hard, too. Randy Louis, 49, of Marple Township, says, "While I like living alone and sometimes being alone, I do not like being lonely at times." For people like Shedlock, alone through loss, "every day of living alone presents some new challenge" that combines sorrow and anger.

Even those for whom it's very hard report there are advantages to living alone. Take Emma M. Lee, 68, of Philadelphia, whose husband died last year. Despite missing her husband terribly, Lee says, "I eat whenever I like, I nap when I feel like it, I get to hold the remote control, and best of all, I never ever have to watch any more sports on TV" (italics hers).

Norm Ross, 56, of Palmyra writes in an e-mail: "Yes, I live alone and I love it. . . . I am enjoying my life more than ever. I am doing what I want to do, without being judged. I can work in the garden all day, or just sit on my porch and have a few beers." J. Jones, of Chester, likes "being able to enjoy the comforts of your home in total silence with only your thoughts." Simone Smith, 24, of Palo Alto, Calif., says, "It's great to be able to dress when you want to, listen to music when you want."

"I've nothing against 'our style,' but what I like best about living alone is that it's 'my style' - from the artwork on the walls to the food in the fridge," writes Karen Johnson, 61, of North Hollywood, Calif.

That art of making your own style impresses Klinenberg: "How innovative we have been as a species over the past 50 years. We've invented an entire new way of living. It represents a kind of cultural creativity we rarely get to see."

Smith, a lifestyle blogger for sites such as Hub Pages, says singles should make their homes "retreats." She takes a page from the bed-and-breakfasts she has stayed in during her travels, "arranging nice magazines, toiletries, and pretty trays throughout my apartment . . . keeping things luxurious and attractive . . . silencing the phone . . . "

Single people organize family and friends into extended-family networks. As Kym Liebler, 45, of Wayne puts it, "I have a full, rich, happy life, a satisfying career, a huge village of friends, and a phenomenally supportive family."

Carol A. Hill, 52, of Wallingford, found that "my four sisters threw their arms around me" when she suddenly became a single mother of a child with special needs; from there, she built a network of other such parents, medical experts, and people in the nonprofit community, where she now works.

"I have built a really fun, exciting life," writes Fasy. She's had "to come up with ideas to make friends" and creative travel ideas. "I've had to hone very specific skills to avoid being cut off from a proper social life," says Johnson. Chief skills: venturing out "regularly to my own spiritual and musical haunts . . . to schedule frequent, regular walks and coffee outings with friends. Plus, I never miss the opportunity to travel to family."

The future of flying solo. Klinenberg thinks U.S. society should recognize the shift to singlehood. Should we redesign metro areas to be more single-friendly? Provide more affordable housing for young singles, better institutions for the old, infirm, and vulnerable? "Anything we can do to afford security and support to this growing sector of our society, we should," he says. He points out that the Scandinavian countries are well ahead in doing just that - which rings an unexpected change on received ideology in the United States.

"It's ironic that by supporting each other," Klinenberg says, "we give ourselves the freedom to be independent."