Tell Me About It: Alone time doesn't mean it's over

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I waited a long time to get married because I couldn't imagine spending every day with someone. My husband was that person.

Fifteen years later, I don't know if that is still true. Every three to four months, he checks out emotionally/mentally - spending hours each evening by himself, reading or playing video games. When I remind him he has checked out and needs to get back to "us," he agrees it is the right thing to do, but the cycle continues.

I've tried talking, yelling, threatening (to leave), marriage counseling. This week I've had it. I can't imagine life without him but can't take this cycle. He wants another chance. Aauuugghhhh. What do I do now?

Answer: Have you tried backing off?

Everything you say you've tried - from yelling to counseling - sounds oriented toward getting him to stop checking out. I wonder whether you've tried to change any part of your behavior.

For example, have you tried giving him more space in the months between his check-outs? Have you tried treating his check-outs as a chance for you to spend some time on yourself or on other things you don't do much as a couple? Does he come back from these check-outs recharged?

I could be wrong, of course, and maybe your first response to his withdrawing was indeed to wait it out, but what I'm reading into this is your husband's need to retreat into himself occasionally. If that's true, and if you can find a way to grant him that time in a way that you don't perceive as a personal insult or threat, then accepting this need of his could be better for your marriage than eliminating these phases (which neither of you seems able to do).

Flip side, the more shrill your responses get to these check-outs, the more frequent and enduring they're likely to be.

Comment: I'm very confused about your acceptance of reading as emotionally checking out of a relationship. I see emotionally checking out as no longer loving a spouse.

Answer: It's about quantity and attitude, not about the thing itself. A person can emotionally check out of a relationship by nurturing the kids, scrapbooking the very relationship that's being neglected, getting in shape, saving the world, playing the banjo. If you're not listening, caring, making eye contact, noticing your partner's needs, or valuing the other person's place in your life, then you're emotionally checking out.

If you are doing those things, then you can nurture, scrapbook, work out, save the world, or play the banjo without taking a risk that your partner will feel neglected.