Tell Me About It: Telling kids about divorce

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My husband and I have a 4- and 5-year-old and we are getting divorced, but are still living together for several months. My soon-to-be ex and I are both reading on the topic and doing co-parenting sessions with a therapist on and off. The kids can see that we don't get along, although we (mostly I) have really tried to keep the peace in their presence, but they don't know about the pending separation and divorce.

My husband has asked that the kids and I be away while he moves out. So my question is, when to tell the kids?

They'll be going on vacation for a large chunk of the summer and at first I just thought we would tell them when they get back, but now I'm thinking it will be too much of a shock because their dad will have already moved out. The alternative is to tell them together before we go away, and continue to talk to them throughout the summer and as they come home. What do you think?

Answer: You want to tell when you'll be around to help them process it. Certainly don't tell them and send them off for the summer - it's not clear whether they're traveling with you or, say, going off to see Grandma - but having them come home to a daddy-less home isn't the answer, either.

Kids don't just have conversations, change their world views on the spot, and carry on from there. They turn things over in their minds, imagine scenarios, ask questions, (mis)understand the answers, go silent on the subject for hours or days or weeks, ask new questions that reveal how far their imaginations have run. So make your plan to be there to listen and give reassuring but truthful answers, and repeat as needed.

Be ready for the therapy to be more on than off, too. Give your kids a safe place to talk.