Tell Me About It: Try 'broken-record' technique for an assertive 'No'

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On saying, "No" in stronger and stronger language: I'm a big fan of the "broken-record" technique. You say the same thing in the same language, and you do not add justifications, excuses, or anything that changes the original message in any way. It feels weird the first few times you use it, but it does work. Nobody can make you say something else if you decide you're going to say just, "No, that doesn't work for me," over and over and over and over. Figure out your answer, state it, and restate it. Don't try to soften it, strengthen it, get them to understand, etc. If they complain that you keep saying that, you say, "Yep."

On asking people to use a nontraditional spelling or pronunciation of a name: What is this tendency for stubborn parents to hang a difficult first name on their kid? These poor kids will go through life correcting and explaining. They will probably change it on their own.

On seeking time with a birth parent without the stepparent present:

Someone asking for time alone with his dad away from stepmom could also make the agreement to continue the exclusive time after he couples and has a family of his own. The father may see the value of the time spent alone with his son when it is put to him in those terms.

We always found that when one of us took just one of our children, and now grandchildren, on an outing, the dynamic and the conversation changed. It simply becomes more attuned to the individual rather than the group. And it's always illuminating. Not better than the group dynamic, but different and valuable. Hope parents (and stepparents) can see this.

It matters how, when, and where separate time would be spent. If the adult children visit Dad at his home with Stepmother, and Dad + offspring have time apart from Stepmother, that is one thing.

A destination vacation without Stepmother is another thing entirely.

Holidays, birthdays, weddings? Off the table.

Also, once spouses are included in any outing, so is Stepparent.

Sort of an opposite issue is that with the rise of cellphones, I miss the incidental contact I would formerly have with my kids' spouses. It used to be that, when you called the house, once in a while your son- or daughter-in-law would answer the phone, and you would have a chance for a brief social interaction. Now, the only way I get to speak to them is if I call them directly (awkward) or during all-too-infrequent visits.

Chat with Carolyn Hax

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