Tell Me About It: Making a planned effort to make new friends
Question: I've been friends with someone since grade school. I'd like to talk to her more except, about half the time I text her, I don't get a reply. She said she was too busy for phone calls. We meet occasionally at her convenience.
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Question: I've been friends with someone since grade school. I'd like to talk to her more except, about half the time I text her, I don't get a reply. She said she was too busy for phone calls. We meet occasionally at her convenience.
I'd like to ask about clarifying our relationship. I see posts on Facebook about conversations or outings with other people that she never has time for with me. We live about five minutes apart.
Last time we talked, she said she'd be up for coffee soon (two months ago) and asked me to be patient about her not having time to do stuff. But this frustrates and upsets me. She's one of the few "friends" I actually have, period.
I'm not sure what to do. I find it depressing to have so few people to talk to, and when one of those few ignores me, I'm not sure it's worth the emotional upheaval.
Answer: Please turn whatever energy you're putting into this issue toward a patient, planned effort to make new friends. An abbreviated list of ways to do that: adopt a hobby, join a team, volunteer somewhere regularly, become a regular somewhere, take a class, find Meetups, arrange events with old friends and ask them to bring other friends. Pick activities you enjoy or do well so you have that to fall back on and so you can be a relaxed/entertained version of yourself.
What isn't as important as how. Be friendly, be flexible, and be open to these experiences as rewards unto themselves. Not every commitment to [blank] is going to produce a buddy, but each one can be its own blow against loneliness.
If it helps: Struggling to make friends when your school years are behind you is one of the problems I hear about most. Some people just need to give themselves a shove.
Comment: Trying to put this gently: Have you examined how you talk to your friends? Do you perhaps spend most of your phone conversations with this friend complaining about your life, or unconsciously monopolizing? If your longtime friend appears to have time for other people, perhaps those conversations are more rewarding for her.
Reply: It is worth a think, thank you. Complainers often don't hear themselves.
Sometimes, it is something we do or say or a way we do or say it, and cultivating good listening skills and a positive attitude is worth the effort, even if the effort doesn't yield a pack of new friends.
Often, though, it's just a story of an outgoing person collecting friends and a quieter person struggling to make connections. This friendship may have run its course. Most childhood ones do.
Comment: I'm an introvert, and I am endlessly puzzled by how some people can just walk into a room and walk out with two or three new friends, while I can have enjoyable social interactions that rarely go beyond the occasion. (I'm OK with that because having too many friends and too many social obligations is mentally wearing on me.) I sometimes wonder(ed) if I'm a freak. This made me feel better.
Reply: Glad to help. If it weren't for outgoing people, I'd never talk to anyone.
Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.