How, when, whether to ask her father for permission to marry
Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I plan to ask my girlfriend's father for permission to marry her. How early is this commonly done before proposing and, if possible, should it be in person? I'm not planning on proposing for three months. However, the parents live a considerable distance away, and we are visiting her family next month. Do I wait until it's closer and ask by phone or take the opportunity to do it in person?
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Question: I plan to ask my girlfriend's father for permission to marry her. How early is this commonly done before proposing and, if possible, should it be in person? I'm not planning on proposing for three months. However, the parents live a considerable distance away, and we are visiting her family next month. Do I wait until it's closer and ask by phone or take the opportunity to do it in person?
I guess my only concern is keeping the secret for that long. I'm fairly sure the father will, but her mother may have more difficulty. Thoughts?
Answer: Do you think your girlfriend wants you to ask her father for permission to marry her?
If your girlfriend is "traditional" this way, I'm happy you found each other. Ask both parents when you see them and ask them to keep a lid on it, though I recommend proposing immediately afterward and not waiting, because keeping secrets from people you're supposed to be in an intimate relationship with is counterproductive. Especially when the secrets are about them.
Comment: Do you think this way about a surprise birthday party? No planning because it's keeping a secret? Please.
Reply: You got me. Because cake and the course of one's life are genuinely equivalent.
This topic blew up the queue when it ran live. A sampling:
Before I proposed, I spoke with her father - "I wanted to let you know that I love your daughter, and I'll be asking her to be my wife." I knew she really wouldn't appreciate the "property" overtones, but she'd appreciate me and her dad having a pleasant conversation and being on the same page.
How about asking for his (and her mom's) blessing. Or support. But the idea of permission is antiquated and offensive.
Our now-son-in-law didn't ask permission but instead came over to say he loved her and hoped we would be happy they wanted to get married. And we are delighted.
I am not chattel. I am a person. And if you want to ask anyone, ask my mother; she's the one in charge anyway.
Don't do it. Even my superconservative father rolled his eyes and said, "You'll have to ask her."
I have to wonder how those having a chat with the future father-in-law would feel about their girlfriends' having the same chat with their (the guy's) father. Or mother.
Our now-son-in-law asked. My husband said, "I have no permission to give."
Way to rain on the (sweet, traditional) guy's parade!
Persuasive arguments for choosing a partner who shares your beliefs. Thanks, all.
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