Stu Bykofsky: Be my BFFFF: Best Fake Facebook Friend Forever
FACEBOOK will close down March 15, casting half a billion people into the hell of harsh reality. (That's a rumor, but since I saw it on the Internet, it must be true.)
FACEBOOK will close down March 15, casting half a billion people into the hell of harsh reality. (That's a rumor, but since I saw it on the Internet, it must be true.)
Maybe not, but this is: Facebookers don't even know 20 percent of their "friends," according to a report last month. For me, it's more like 80 percent. (And you?)
Facebook, a/k/a Time Sponge, promotes the fiction that anyone you ever sneezed on is a "friend." It offers an endless stream of "people you may know," hinting that you should "friend" them. The more "friends," the better for Facebook's finances. That's why its symbol is an "f."
Facebook turned a noun into a verb and cheapened the meaning of "friend." To me, a friend is someone of special closeness, not a cocktail-party acquaintance, a random co-worker or someone you see on TV. (Or read in the paper.) But they can ask to be a Fake Facebook Friend.
I get the usual - readers, process servers, ex-cellmates - plus hoaxers, jokers, Mummers, drummers, procrastinators, masturbators, priests, beasts (a lot of FBers seem to be dogs and cats), politicians, morticians (no bicyclists, though). I racked up 500 FFFs within weeks after joining in December (even though Baby Cakes insists I should be on anti-social media).
Wow! Look at all the "mutual friends" out there. Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is jealous of me. So many people are related, it's like a hillbilly wedding.
But there are limitations.
FB offered me a politician I had attacked in print. Not a good idea. How about the guy who got fired from here for stealing? No. How about an ex-wife? Really no.
Radio and TV "stars" enlist thousands of FFFs because (they tell their bosses) that means that they're "popular," while the FFFs enjoy the titillation of being faux "friends" with a celebrity.
FFFs also flock to athletes, who prefer Twitter (which lets them pretend that stupid spelling mistakes are "shorthand").
What I like about Facebook: It's a generally friendly, supportive virtual universe. There's not much snark and (among my FFFs) little profanity, name-calling, homophobia and racism.
Why? Simple.
Your name goes on what you say, unlike the vile anonymous "comments" most news organizations wrongly allow. Using your name encourages civility.
What I dislike: The incessant, insipid personal drivel ("I just bought a plaid skirt @ Express!!!!," "the cat just hacked up a hairball!") and how FB tells you every time some FFF has confirmed a new friend, updated info or farted. It's an OCD festival.
Some categories of FBers:
* Me, ME, ME!!: Braggers and self-promoters. I do some promoting myself, when I post a column that I think far-flung FFFs might enjoy. But I'm not running an Amway operation, selling mood rings, gold or vitamin supplements, like some FFFs.
* Bold Liars: "I'm taking Janice to Paris for the weekend," Jim writes. I know him. He'll be diving in Dumpsters on Moravian Street for dinner.
* Collectors: Overly competi-
tive, they promiscuously sign up thousands of FFFs. (The greater the number, the higher the PQ - Pathetic Quotient.)
* Self-Impressed: "I'm going to
lunch with my favorite judge." "I just got back from the Super Bowl." "I went to the ballet." Not a word about what happened, just "I went, I did."
If I say who cares? I'm not being a good Facebook friend. That is true, but so is this: Facebook is a business and you are the product. You are steak, "friendship" is parsley.
So why did I join?
To get a column out of it. I also wanted to use my FFFs as a personal Gallup Poll to gauge public opinion, or to research columns. I've had modest success.
I want to quit, but I'm afraid. I read - on the Internet, so it must be true - that if you quit, Mark Zuckerberg sends a squad of sneaker-wearing, eyebrow-pierced FB geeks to poke you to death.
So I stay in.
Some FBers have found friendships as meaningful as in real life. Others found cyber-stalkers.
Despite my grouchiness, yes, you may become my FFF (I am competitive). I don't post daily, I don't need to see a picture you took of yourself with a cell phone and I really don't want to know about your bowel movements. OMG! TMI!
Finally, I am embarking on an unwanted, unpaid, company-ordered furlough. I'll be back in March, but until then available on Facebook (but not much).
E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. See Stu on Facebook. For recent columns:
