God got a drone for Christmas
Hes anti-Second Amendment and has his hands full
Continuing a tradition, the annual dialogue between God and Your Favorite Columnist.
YFC: What's the matter, God? You seem preoccupied.
GOD: There's a lot of evil in the world, other than Snapchat. I'm trying to take my mind off things.
YFC: You're playing with a drone.
GOD: The joy stick is giving me fits. It's a Christmas gift.
YFC: From whom?
GOD: Rachel Dolezal. She wants me to change her back to white.
YFC: She is white.
GOD: Who's to say, really?
YFC: She's crazy.
GOD: Your country hands out high-powered weapons to nut jobs and you call her crazy?
YFC: I have to blame the Second Amendment.
GOD: If you know what the problem is, why don't you fix it?
YFC: Not easy to do, and then some people would want to get rid of the First Amendment, you know - free speech, free press, freedom of worship.
GOD: Please leave freedom of worship alone.
YFC: See - it's a matter of whose ox is being gored.
GOD: What's with the ox?
YFC: I read it somewhere, maybe the Bible. It refers to self-interest.
GOD: My message is the opposite, to love others as you love yourself. Is that so hard?
YFC: Apparently yes. You should see the comments that follow my columns.
GOD: It's always about you, isn't it?
YFC: I didn't mean it that way, sorry. But what has you glum?
GOD: You mean aside from all the problematic initials - ISIS, VW, FIFA, NASDAQ, VA? There's a mass shooting in San Bernardino, and in Charleston, S.C. - in a church, can you believe that? In a church!
YFC: Dylann Roof shouldn't have been able to buy a gun. There was an error in the background check database.
GOD: There won't be any error when he gets to me.
YFC: Aren't you about forgiveness?
GOD: Forgiveness follows contrition and I'm not hearing any here. I am planning justice. Same for Martin Shkreli.
YFC: The pharmaceutical guy who jacked up drug prices?
GOD: I'm gonna give him an itch somewhere he can't scratch. For eternity.
YFC: Let's talk about Philadelphia professional sports teams.
GOD: That's a trap! Philadelphia doesn't have professional sports teams, except for the Soul.
YFC: What the heck happened to the Eagles this year?
GOD: DeMarco Murray didn't. Chip trades away DeSean and Shady, and you're surprised the offense tanks? I think the Eagles beat the Patriots because Chip overinflated Tom Brady's balls - and don't make a cheap sex joke just because your state has towns like Intercourse, Blue Ball, and Bird in Hand.
YFC: Have you heard of Porngate?
GOD: Omniscient, remember? I think Justice Eakin got jobbed.
YFC: You're kidding, God. He's a freaking state Supreme Court justice and he sent porn, homophobic, racist, and lactose-intolerant emails.
GOD: You haven't?
YFC: That's not the point. He's on the Supreme Court!
GOD: There is only one Supreme Being - and the name isn't Kathleen Kane, sonny.
YFC: Hmmm. Let's talk presidential politics.
YFC: Don't what?
GOD: Don't ask me who will win. Won't tell.
YFC: Can you tell me who Hillary runs against?
GOD: Don't want to crush you, but after Chelsea gives birth (a boy this time), Hillary will decide to be a full-time grandma, and she will drop out of the race and hire Caitlyn Jenner as a nanny.
YFC: Get out of here. Who's the Democratic nominee?
GOD: I am feeling the Bern. Sanders vs. Trump. Two angry old white guys squaring off. It's like you times two, sonny.
YFC: Is this true?
GOD: I got it from Brian Williams. Heh-heh. It's like a miracle.
YFC: It's a miracle I put up with this every year. How about - since you're omniscient - if you tell me what happens in 2016.
GOD: Taylor Swift will announce she's a lesbian and will marry k.d. lang.
YFC: Be serious!
GOD: OK, don't shout. Pennsylvania gets a budget by Groundhog Day. Globally, things will get worse before they get better. To make things better faster, you - all of you, all 7.3 billion - have to love each other, understand each other, make allowances for each other. And you have to stop killing in my name. You know who you are. Stop it.
On Twitter: @StuBykofsky
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