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God got a drone for Christmas

He’s anti-Second Amendment and has his hands full

Continuing a tradition, the annual dialogue between God and Your Favorite Columnist.

YFC: What's the matter, God? You seem preoccupied.

GOD: There's a lot of evil in the world, other than Snapchat. I'm trying to take my mind off things.

YFC: You're playing with a drone.

GOD: The joy stick is giving me fits. It's a Christmas gift.

YFC: From whom?

GOD: Rachel Dolezal. She wants me to change her back to white.

YFC: She is white.

GOD: Who's to say, really?

YFC: She's crazy.

GOD: Your country hands out high-powered weapons to nut jobs and you call her crazy?

YFC: I have to blame the Second Amendment.

GOD: If you know what the problem is, why don't you fix it?

YFC: Not easy to do, and then some people would want to get rid of the First Amendment, you know - free speech, free press, freedom of worship.

GOD: Please leave freedom of worship alone.

YFC: See - it's a matter of whose ox is being gored.

GOD: What's with the ox?

YFC: I read it somewhere, maybe the Bible. It refers to self-interest.

GOD: My message is the opposite, to love others as you love yourself. Is that so hard?

YFC: Apparently yes. You should see the comments that follow my columns.

GOD: It's always about you, isn't it?

YFC: I didn't mean it that way, sorry. But what has you glum?

GOD: You mean aside from all the problematic initials - ISIS, VW, FIFA, NASDAQ, VA? There's a mass shooting in San Bernardino, and in Charleston, S.C. - in a church, can you believe that? In a church!

YFC: Dylann Roof shouldn't have been able to buy a gun. There was an error in the background check database.

GOD: There won't be any error when he gets to me.

YFC: Aren't you about forgiveness?

GOD: Forgiveness follows contrition and I'm not hearing any here. I am planning justice. Same for Martin Shkreli.

YFC: The pharmaceutical guy who jacked up drug prices?

GOD: I'm gonna give him an itch somewhere he can't scratch. For eternity.

YFC: Let's talk about Philadelphia professional sports teams.

GOD: That's a trap! Philadelphia doesn't have professional sports teams, except for the Soul.

YFC: What the heck happened to the Eagles this year?

GOD: DeMarco Murray didn't. Chip trades away DeSean and Shady, and you're surprised the offense tanks? I think the Eagles beat the Patriots because Chip overinflated Tom Brady's balls - and don't make a cheap sex joke just because your state has towns like Intercourse, Blue Ball, and Bird in Hand.

YFC: Have you heard of Porngate?

GOD: Omniscient, remember? I think Justice Eakin got jobbed.

YFC: You're kidding, God. He's a freaking state Supreme Court justice and he sent porn, homophobic, racist, and lactose-intolerant emails.

GOD: You haven't?

YFC: That's not the point. He's on the Supreme Court!

GOD: There is only one Supreme Being - and the name isn't Kathleen Kane, sonny.

YFC: Hmmm. Let's talk presidential politics.

GOD: Don't.

YFC: Don't what?

GOD: Don't ask me who will win. Won't tell.

YFC: Can you tell me who Hillary runs against?

GOD: Don't want to crush you, but after Chelsea gives birth (a boy this time), Hillary will decide to be a full-time grandma, and she will drop out of the race and hire Caitlyn Jenner as a nanny.

YFC: Get out of here. Who's the Democratic nominee?

GOD: I am feeling the Bern. Sanders vs. Trump. Two angry old white guys squaring off. It's like you times two, sonny.

YFC: Is this true?

GOD: I got it from Brian Williams. Heh-heh. It's like a miracle.

YFC: It's a miracle I put up with this every year. How about - since you're omniscient - if you tell me what happens in 2016.

GOD: Taylor Swift will announce she's a lesbian and will marry k.d. lang.

YFC: Be serious!

GOD: OK, don't shout. Pennsylvania gets a budget by Groundhog Day. Globally, things will get worse before they get better. To make things better faster, you - all of you, all 7.3 billion - have to love each other, understand each other, make allowances for each other. And you have to stop killing in my name. You know who you are. Stop it.


Phone: 215-854-5977

On Twitter: @StuBykofsky