Byko: When you talk to God, listen carefully
Another in a series of annual conversations between Your Favorite Columnist and God. GOD: How you doing, kiddo? YFC: Have you not noticed I'm on a walker?
Another in a series of annual conversations between Your Favorite Columnist and God. GOD: How you doing, kiddo?
YFC: Have you not noticed I'm on a walker?
GOD: Of course. You ruptured your quadriceps on Election Night. You took a bad fall.
YFC: So did America, some say.
GOD: Good one. I knew the outcome. I'm the all-knowing, all-seeing, right?
YFC: And you didn't do anything to stop it?
GOD: You mean cancel out Vladimir Putin's efforts? Not my job. It's a democracy. You make your bed, you sleep in it.
YFC: With Donald Trump as president, I'll have good material for the next four years, or until he's impeached. People love him - or love to hate him. Writing about him will make my column better.
GOD: I got another idea for making it better.
GOD: Trigger warning! You said "shoot!" Heh, heh, just kidding. Here's my idea for your column. Start calling it an "artisan" column, or a "craft" column. Those words are trending right now, like with beer and cheese. Millennials eat it up.
YFC: Doesn't "artisan" usually apply to something done in small batches?
GOD: Have you seen your circulation lately? Your readership qualifies as a cult.
YFC: Most people read online now, unfortunately. They get it fast and for free that way.
GOD: How's that working out for your bottom line?
YFC: I'm not a businessman and we'd better get off this. I don't think the bosses like me talking about it.
GOD: You want to talk about Hatchimals? I got a stash.
YFC: You hoarded this year's "must have" Christmas toy?
GOD: Got them from Santa, the hefty guy in the red suit, not that I'm fat shaming. Turns out there were more bad girls and boys than he expected, so he brought them back to the North Pole and put them out on consignment. I also got a load of Samsung Note 7 phones. I gave them to City Council.
YFC: Don't those phones explode?
GOD: We'll see. Not my department. Hey! How's your mayor doing?
YFC: He had a pretty good year. Forced a tax down the throat of Big Soda, got money to rebuild parks and rec centers, the Democratic convention was a hit, maybe except for the nominee, but he's still stuck on stupid with protecting foreign felons.
GOD: I know why. His Buddy the Elf alter ego is undocumented.
YFC: Can we talk about something serious, like world peace?
GOD: Why not? President Obama made nice with Iran and Cuba, but Russia screwed with your elections, China stole your drone and the president of the Philippines made yo mama jokes about Obama. Embarrassing.
YFC: That's harsh. Iran's nuclear program has been delayed - and soon we can get Cuban cigars.
GOD: And lip, tongue and throat cancer. I haven't touched tobacco since Sir Walter Raleigh. I'm on "medical" marijuana, heh, heh.
YFC: You're a pot head?
GOD: "Medical," I said. Relieves my lumbago.
YFC: You're pulling my leg. My good leg.
GOD: You caught me. What else you got?
YFC: The American economy is improving, unemployment is down, the stock market has never been higher.
GOD: Ever hear the phrase, "riding for a fall"?
GOD: What the experts call a market "correction." To me, "correction" means to make something right. In the stock market it means you're going broke. Remember 2008?
YFC: Let's try pop culture. Who will win more Grammys - Adele or Beyonce?
GOD: Not allowed to say, you know that, but my favorite drink is lemonade, heh, heh.
YFC: I thought you were big on wine.
GOD: I was but I cut back because it made me do goofy things. The great flood - that was the wine talking. The platypus, Howard Eskin, deep-fried cheese, same thing. Awful mistakes.
YFC: I think we ought to wrap it up. A lot of people are fearful about what's ahead, and by that I mean Donald J. Trump.
GOD: You survived Millard Fillmore and James Buchanan, you'll survive Trump. It's a new year, a new beginning. Contain fear, spread joy - but don't take the Eagles over Dallas. Happy New Year everyone.