Maybe the Phillies should have sent the Phanatic out there with his hot dog gun.
Or how about recruiting cops who are little swifter than kids in sneakers? Maybe a few former defensive linemen able to finish a pursuit with a sack?
In case you missed it, a Philadelphia police officer Tasered a teenage knucklehead during Monday night's Phillies game when the boy ran onto the field and proved hard to catch.
Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey's first response to the latest embarrassment at Citizen's Bank Park was a vote of confidence.
"Unless I read something to the contrary, that officer acted appropriately," the commissioner told KYW Radio. "I support him 100 percent."
I'm not sure what Ramsey reads, but I hope he watches YouTube, or ESPN. He could even check out TimesofIndia.com. Footage of the eighth-inning sideshow is as viral as H1N1.
It's a short, but dramatic clip. You see Steve Consalvi, 17 and a senior at Boyertown High School, darting around the outfield, waving a towel. A couple attendants try to catch him. A man in blue joins chase. The kid shows some moves.
Finally, the cop gets close enough to shoot Consalvi from behind with the Taser gun, and the boy goes down like a sack of potatoes. On one clip, the crowd cackles and cheers until the shot. Then come the boos.
Were they booing because it felt excessive? Or were they booing because it seemed unsporting?
Men with butterfly nets might have been more fun to watch.
The Phillies and police met yesterday to work out some procedures for future run-ons.
Here's my vote: Sending a cop out with a Taser gun is plain idiocy.
Let's start with what could go wrong.
Earlier this year CNN investigated police use of Tasers because a California man went into cardiac arrest after an officer fired an "Electronic Control Device" three times into his chest. The man, Stephen Butler, had been drinking.
Butler is disabled - his brain was left without oxygen for 18 minutes. His family has sued Taser International. In court filings, Taser argues that there's no proof its devices cause cardiac arrest in humans.
The manufacturer has changed its recommendations for the use of its devices, CNN noted. Officers should no longer aim at the chest of someone they want to subdue, the company suggests. They should target arms, legs and buttocks.
Amnesty International, meanwhile, in a report called "USA: Less than Lethal?" found that 334 people had died between 2001 and 2008 after being struck by Tasers.
Most of those deaths were attributed by authorities to other factors, such as drug use. But medical examiners concluded that Tasering caused or contributed to at least 50 of the deaths.
Now what are the odds that someone who runs onto the field in the middle of a ballgame is a little blitzed?
I'm not saying police shouldn't be carrying something down there - not with the run of stupidity and savagery around the sports complex that has further tarred the reputation of Philadelphia fans.
Most recently you have the Vomit Guy - the 21-year-old Cherry Hill man accused of intentionally barfing on the 13-year-old daughter of an off-duty Easton cop. The officer was levelheaded enough not to pummel the puker.
There was the bachelor party fight last July at McFadden's that ended with a stomping death in a stadium parking lot, and the wasted driver who hit two women from St. Louis as they were crossing the street after a Phillies game the summer before. We need vigilant cops.
But don't Tase the kids who run out on the field. There must be better ideas. This is where you need a bull in the bullpen. The idiots in the outfield are likely wearing Phillies red anyway.