Sideshow: Don't Hassel The Hoff

The drawn-out, nasty divorce and custody battle between

David Hasselhoff

and

Pamela Bach

is finally over, and according to court documents, the Hoff comes out a happy, happy man.

Sure, the Knight Rider and Baywatch thesp, who is also an internationally renowned recording artist, will have to pay a whopping $21,000 a month to his ex-wife and an additional $4,000 to support their daughters, 17-year-old Taylor and 15-year-old Hayley. (The couple will have joint custody.)

But Hasselhoff gets to keep the most precious thing in his life (after the kids, of course): his collection of monikers.

Yep, he will retain the rights to use and make money off The Hoff, Malibu Dave, and the sexy catchphrase "Don't hassle The Hoff."

Harry Potter wizard-in-training

Emma Watson

, 18, is replacing the heart-melting 23-year-old

Scarlett Johansson

in

Napoleon and Betsy

because the producers - who include Scarlett - say Scarlett is too old for the part. USAToday.com says Watson will play Betsy Balcombe, a young noblewoman on the island of St. Helena who falls for Napoleon when he is exiled there.

Javier Bardem

last week visited the Dakhla refugee camp in Tindouf, Algeria, where he met various Sahrawi families, who fled Moroccan and Mauritanian oppression in their native western Sahara 30 years ago, says OK! mag.

Bardem was in the area to attend the Sahara International Film Festival, which tries to raise awareness of the culture of the Sahrawi refugees.

Can't imagine how happy

Guy Ritchie

must have been when his wife told him they could finally afford that double-door refrigerator-freezer they've been eyeing at Sears all these years. Yep,

Madonna

is due to earn some extra pocket money by doing two shows in Dubai - for

$25 mil

, say London tabloid the Sun and MTV-UK.

Tomorrow's two-hour episode of

Howie Mandel

's NBC game show,

Deal or No Deal

, will feature a surprise appearance by

George W. Bush

. The president turned up during taping last week to cheer on a contestant, Capt.

Joseph Kobes

of Sumner, Wash., who has done three tours of duty in Iraq and has been awarded a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star.

Meanwhile, Mandel, the has-been whose career was resurrected by that briefcase-and-babes game show, has hit paydirt: He will produce and star in

Howie Do It

(

eeewww

), a sitcom that will be unscripted, a la

Curb Your Enthusiasm

.

In a sad-but-funny feature, TV Guide reports that

Brian Dunkleman

, the dude who cohosted

American Idol

in its first season before he ditched and dissed the show, deeply regrets leaving.

"It was such a big mistake it's embarrassing," Brian says. "I didn't think it was cool. If I had known it was going to run for 70 years I would have sucked it up and become callous like the rest of them." Since Idol, Brian has had bit roles on NYPD Blue and Ghost Whisperer.

Jennifer Aniston

will reportedly be the ballyhooed surprise guest star on tonight's season finale of

Oprah Winfrey

's on-air workshop on transcendental spirituality and psychic healing,

Oprah's Big Give

.