"It's leaving me thinking: Will I have to change the name of my show from '30 Rock' to 'Industrial Park on the Schuylkill'?"
- Tina Fey on the merger
of NBC Universal and Comcast
Actually, the correct new name for Fey's sitcom would be 1701 JFK Blvd. - which, admittedly, doesn't have a spiffy ring.
Hey, I'm all for relocating Fey and broadcast demigod Alec Baldwin closer to the Schuylkill, especially if it means her show's lobbing as many barbs at staid, behemoth Comcast as it has at GE. Tracy Morgan might add incessant Comcast spokesmen Shaq 'N Stein to his on-air entourage - then promptly lose them in the Gallery food court.
The Philadelphia cable giant pays its top executives handsomely and charges customers excessively - if only the economy grew at these rates! - while providing local programming rivaling Kukla, Fran and Ollie in production values and cost.
Comcast is known for many things, but artistic ingenuity isn't one of them. To date, the cable giant's most creative effort has been its building lobby.
Media conglomerates feed on synergy - a highfalutin' term for "maximizing garbage." As satirist Andy Borowitz observed: "The NBC-Comcast merger will reap the incredible synergy of dreck and rubbish." Except he didn't use those words.
Yes, these are the companies that combine more Jay Leno than anyone ever wanted and Universal Pictures' appropriately named, $100 million clunker Land of the Lost with speedy, reliable, same-month service.
Since both corporations are doing such a bang-up job, we offer synergistic programming suggestions, particularly geared for Comcast's corporate hometown.
Seeking Solutions With Suzanne and Samberg: Mama Comcast Suzanne Roberts teams up with Andy Samberg and the 23 other zany cast members of Saturday Night Live you can't name, offering inspirational help and hairstyles to seniors and hipsters alike.
Biggest Loser (Philadelphia edition): Mayor Nutter and top advisers, along with Council, finally cut the sheer fat from the city administration, shedding deadweight patronage jobs. With trainers Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels, and motivational yelling provided by CNBC's Mad Money's Jim Cramer.
My Life on the D List: Finally, a home for Leno and the Comcast repairmen.
It's Your Call With Keith and Chris: You call; Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews don't care.
Law & Order HD: In this week's episode, "To Catch a Killer Bill," Mariska Hargitay, Christopher Meloni, and Ice-T investigate serious offenses in cable/Internet/digital voice bundling invoices.
The Real Eagles Housewives Postgame Live: Hair extensions, acrylic nails, trophy homes, analysis of the team's defense, plus injury updates. Ray Didinger, Vaughn Hebron and Gov. Rendell host with all-star housewives Danielle Staub (New Jersey), Gretchen Rossi (O.C.), and Sheree Whitfield (Atlanta).
The Comcast/NBC merger provides not only endless possibilities for inspired programming but a tourist destination as well. Universal is in the theme park business. Let's turn Philadelphia into a theme park!
So we offer Universal Studios Foxwoods: Imagine - in a location yet to be determined and routinely to be moved. Slots and tots! Go behind the scenes and learn the mysterious wheeling-and-dealing of how casino gambling came to Philadelphia! Thrill on the economic ride of your life!
Like a Comcast repairman, Universal Studios Foxwoods will be open sometime between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.
For the record, I blew it in last Saturday's column, and owe John J. Dougherty an apology. I incorrectly stated that the electrical workers union and theatrical stage employees union imposed exorbitant fees for stringing holiday lights in Rittenhouse Square. That was wrong. Dougherty and his union generously donated their time and services to repair, replace, and hang the lights.