WHAT IF GOV. CORBETT gets little or nothing of what he wants on booze, transportation or pension reform by Sunday's budget deadline?
The Daily News has learned that Corbett's crackerjack communications staff prepared a list of reasons why, and the Daily News obtained a copy.
(Full disclosure: This is not true. I am making this up. Corbett's communications staff prepares nothing. But if it did . . . )
Here are the top 10 reasons the guv can offer in explanation of why he didn't get what he wanted, in the seemingly likely event that he doesn't.
HARRY & PENNY: My Airedale terriers require lots of attention and plenty of walks, and I like them a lot more than I like legislative leaders.
LATINOS: Spent too much time driving around Lancaster looking for Latinos to hire. Had to. They just won't come to Harrisburg.
PRIORITIES: Was more focused on making sure gun rights got expanded ("castle doctrine") and abortion rights restricted. Boom! Got 'em both.
PROMISES: If you recall, I promised to get budgets passed on time with no new taxes and that's about it; asking me for more seems sort of unfair, OK?
LEGAL STUFF: Was really, really busy investing my resources and your money in losing fights with the NCAA over Penn State sanctions, and trying to privatize the state lottery, about the only thing in government that actually works, because as a conservative I hate when anything in government actually works, don't you?
LEGAL PREP: Tons of energy used up preparing to defend the voter-ID law at trial this July. After what's happening to Philly schools and SEPTA and, let's face it, my polling numbers there, we really need to make sure what we call "Philadelphians" don't vote next year.
BLAME GAME: It takes copious amounts of time to continuously explain to ordinary people and empty-headed editorial writers that I am not the problem, that the unemployed don't have jobs because they'd rather have government benefits or because they can't pass drug tests; and that our fiscal issues are due to ObamaCare (which, I'd remind you, I sued to stop), and that harebrained plan to expand Medicaid while cutting federal funds to Philly schools.
OPPO RESEARCH: Spending lots of energy digging up every vote to raise taxes and keep abortion legal that Allyson Schwartz ever cast in the state Senate or in Congress. I do this during my free time since it would be wrong of me to do it during working hours. But it still takes some effort.
CRACKER PLANT: Been busy making sure Shell Oil's still-delayed Western Pennsylvania petrochemical plant, for which I'm offering a tax credit worth $1.65 billion over the next 25 years, actually gets built in time to save my, um, I mean create jobs for our people.
And the No. 1 reason Gov. Corbett didn't get what he wanted from the Legislature (drum roll): He never could find the Senate Republican caucus room.