What if probe revealed what we think of Harrisburg to be true?

LET'S THINK THE whole Kathleen Kane porn-probe thing through.

If the attorney general (without a law license) can hire a special prosecutor (during a supposed hiring freeze) and spend up to $2 million (in a state without a budget) to look at maybe a million emails for porn-related offenses, it's a good bet lots of nonporn stuff shows up, too.

So, with some redactions, here are samples of X-rated democracy - or government emails we'd like to see:

FROM: Every deputy attorney general

TO: Attorney General Kathleen XXXX

It has come to our attention that your decisions without a law license could encumber the OAG with expenses we have no money to pay for and could disrupt operation of the OAG for months if not years to come. We request a face-to-face meeting to discuss this development.

FROM: Attorney General Kathleen XXXX

TO: Every deputy attorney general

Listen, you XXXXXXXXXXXX, I don't meet or talk with white men. You all have an extra body part that, last time I checked, doesn't have any extra brain cells. So XXXX off.

FROM: Frank XXXX

TO: Usual chain of judges, prosecutors, trial lawyers, state Supreme Court, et al

This is to let you know that I won't be sending or sharing any pornographic, racist or misogynistic materials for the foreseeable future. Thanks to XXXX Williams, I've undergone sensitivity training and now such materials upset my stomach.

FROM: Justice XXXXX

TO: Frank XXXX

Please do not email me anymore.

FROM: Gov. Tom XXXX

TO: Ed Rendell

I'm experiencing some difficulty in getting my progressive, save-the-state agenda past the Legislature. They won't do a severance tax, won't raise the PIT, won't raise the sales tax. I need more revenue to make magic happen. Ideas?

FROM: Ed Rendell

TO: Gov. Tom XXXX

They're cowards. They wouldn't raise taxes to cure cancer. Just get some more money for schools, call it "record spending for education," because every year is record spending for education, and you'll be fine.

P.S. You should've taken the salary and lived in the mansion. They don't like goody-goodies.

FROM: Marcellus Shale Inc.

TO: All legislative leaders

Gents, we only have so much money. We can use it for taxes or we can use it for political contributions. Your choice.

FROM: All legislative leaders

TO: Marcellus Shale Inc.

Gotcha. No worries. Who luvs ya, baby? Oowee, thank you twice.

FROM: Rank & file House members of both parties

TO: House Speaker Mike XXXXXX

Mr. Speaker, since we're not doing XXXX, please drag out budget talks - which we of course have nothing to do with - for as long as possible so we all can collect as many per diems as possible to make our holiday season as bright as possible. Is that possible?

FROM: House Speaker Mike XXXXXX

TO: Rank & file House members of both parties

Done.

FROM: Gov. Tom XXXX

TO: Press Secretary Jeffrey XXXXXXXX

I see that the online news-and-opinion firm 24/7 Wall St. just ranked Pennsylvania the 10th worst-run state in the U.S. What should we say about this?

FROM: Press Secretary Jeffrey XXXXXXXX

TO: Gov. Tom XXXX

Blame Corbett. And the Legislature. Call it the worst legislature in America. Then call for each of its members to resign.

Email: baerj@phillynews.com

Blog: ph.ly/BaerGrowls

Columns: ph.ly/JohnBaer