Carol Towarnicky: HE'S LAUGHING OFF HIS 'EX-GAY' LIFESTYLE

FOR 17 years, Peterson Toscano was a "born-again, evangelical, conservative Republican Christian." And for 17 years, Peterson Toscano tried not to be gay.

He memorized hundreds of Scriptural passages with the thought that "the 'Good Word' would replace all the evil, bad, homosexual feelings" he had.

He attended a 12 step-style support group for "ex-gays" in New York but found that, week after week, fellow participants returned with the same problems.

He was exorcised. He attended different churches and was "baptized in the Holy Spirit." He got married and became a missionary in Africa. None of it worked, of course. So Toscano spent two years in a residential program in Memphis, Tenn., to "truly get this thing settled in my life."

And what did these "experts" at reversing sexual orientation do to get him back in touch with his masculine side? They had him play football and change the oil in his car. If it weren't so sad, it would be hilarious. And when Toscano finally gave up trying to be an "ex-gay," he also found a funny, profound one-man show embedded among the pain and self-loathing of his experience.

He calls it "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House" and will perform it Saturday night at the First United Methodist Church of Germantown. He will do a different show, "The Re-Education of George W. Bush," at Calvary United Methodist Church in West Philadelphia on Friday. Both shows benefit the Reconciling United Methodists of Eastern Pennsylvania and their "ongoing advocacy for an all-inclusive church." (Call 215-247-8807 for more info about the shows.)

Nearly all mainstream Protestant churches are being divided by the question of homosexuality: A First United Methodist minister, Beth Stroud, had her credentials revoked because she revealed she was in a committed relationship with a woman. But behind the dueling Scriptural quotations and conflicts over church rulings are the stories of individuals trying to do the right thing while being wounded by people who think they know how to help.

When I spoke by phone with Toscano last week, I couldn't help but be moved by the sincerity of his faith. (He's now a member of a Quaker meeting in Connecticut, which supports his work.) I was impressed by his description of the increasing desperation that took hold of him when he found he couldn't rid himself of the sense of being "wired differently" that he first recognized in himself as a child.

I was struck by the courage it took for him to face the fear of hell and still choose to be his true self. "That began the process of coming out and coming to my senses and realizing that I can be gay and Christian," he said. "I literally deconstructed everything in my life: my politics, my theology, my sense of self - deconstructed it all until I was sitting on a pile of rubble, sifting through it and saying, 'Who am I and what is my life about?' "

Writing and performing his play helped Toscano understand what he'd been through and the need for safe spaces where people can talk about these issues. The ability to see the experience in all its complexity also animates Beyond Ex-Gay, an online resource for other survivors of the ex-gay movement that Toscano launched with Christine Bakke(beyondexgay.com).

It also helped him find within himself an understanding of the people who unwittingly tortured him with Bible verses.

"It's easy to pick on these folks and say that they're hateful, intolerant people," he says. "But often they're working within a construct that they truly believe that they're helping someone. And they don't have enough information to know that they're actually doing more harm than good."

"On the whole journey, the whole 17 years that I spent as an ex-gay, I consistently met people who genuinely cared about me. They genuinely believed they were helping me and would hate to think that they hurt me in any way. They did end up causing me great harm - and I caused great harm to myself by submitting to them - but I know that wasn't their intention."

If one were needed, that remarkable compassion is the "proof text" that one can be both gay and Christian.

Praying with the News: This is my last column. I write it with a prayer that all people will live the essential core of all the world's religions, sometimes called the Golden Rule. Treat others as you would be treated. Amen. *

Carol Towarnicky was a long-time member of the editorial board. E-mail her at carol.towarnicky@verizon.net.