Solomon Jones: No secret is safe with Eve
THE OTHER DAY, my oldest daughter, Adrianne, told youngest daughter, Eve, that she had a boyfriend. Big mistake. Not only did Eve tell us that Adrianne had a boyfriend. She told us his name, rank, Social Security number, height, weight, and Facebook alias.
THE OTHER DAY, my oldest daughter, Adrianne, told youngest daughter, Eve, that she had a boyfriend. Big mistake.
Not only did Eve tell us that Adrianne had a boyfriend. She told us his name, rank, Social Security number, height, weight, and Facebook alias.
But before you think ill of her, it's not Eve's fault. She was born talking. When she was a baby, she would sit on the bed making strange, word-like sounds while watching Letterman. We called it her late night talk show.
By the time she was 1, she was stringing those sounds together into words like, "Ambuba."
The first time she said it, we were riding past McDonald's.
"Did she just say 'hamburger'?" I asked my wife, LaVeta.
"I think so."
I bought Eve the hamburger. She didn't eat it.
We repeated that ritual many times. I eventually realized that for Eve, it wasn't about eating the burger. It was about saying the word - over and over again.
Five years after that first hamburger, not much has changed. Eve is still talking her own language, and doing it with style. Her ability to snitch while pretending that she's concerned is legendary. Her tendency to reveal other people's secrets is phenomenal.
Some parents would try to harness Eve's verbal energy. Not us. We'd rather use it to help others, and we've come up with a way to do it while providing national security at the highest levels.
No, I'm not talking about getting her to join the Secret Service. I'm talking about forming an even better national security agency just for Eve. We'd call it . . . The Can't Keep A Secret Service.
I know. You're thinking that a 6-year-old could never be part of such an important agency. I think you're wrong. Eve could do a lot of things for our country through her new agency. Here are a few.
Attack prevention
Suspect some rogue government of planning an attack on America? Send in Eve to play with their kids.
"So, what've your parents been up to?"
"They were planning to attack your country with stink bombs. But don't tell anybody, Eve. OK?"
"Your secret's safe with me."
She would mean well, of course. But the truth is, Eve would snitch for a one-legged Barbie and a Corbin Bleu pinup.
Intelligence
gathering
You wanna know what they're up to in the mountains of Afghanistan? Send in Eve and The Can't Keep A Secret Service.
"So, uh, where can a girl get something to eat around here?"
"They've got hamburgers over in that cave."
"What cave? The one that smells like French fries?"
"Yep. There's a guy named Osama in there who's pretty handy with a spatula. But whatever you do, don't tell anybody he's in there."
"Don't worry. I won't."
And she won't. At least while she's awake. Unfortunately, daytime hours cannot contain all the words that Eve must speak during a 24-hour cycle. That's why she talks in her sleep.
When the cave burger dreams get talk-out-loud good, score one for America's new No. 1 intelligence agency.
Surveillance
Because she is smart enough to remember conversations verbatim, Eve is perfect to send into a room with the folks who are talking about you at work.
She can sit there coloring, hear every word, and recount the entire conversation from memory. Just don't send her in there if you don't want the truth.
"Ms. Thomas said you smell like you washed up with a hoagie. Mr. Harris said your breath smells like raw sewage. Mr. Jenkins said your lips are so chapped you could slice lunchmeat with them."
Yep, my baby is headed for stardom in the world of nonstop talking. I just hope the world is ready to listen. *
Solomon Jones appears every Saturday. He can be reached at