Solomon Jones: Oh, freedom

YESTERDAY was Independence Day - the day America told Britain to go fly a kite.

Because our country's founders had the foresight to make that bold move, we now have the freedom to barbecue and go to clearance sales on every major holiday.

I, along with my family and friends, will be enjoying each of these freedoms this holiday weekend. However,

we'll be making a few minor adjustments to our usual Independence Day celebration due to the economic slowdown.

We won't be throwing any steaks on the grill. With the plummeting value of the dollar, that's not going to be possible. We won't be traveling out of state, either. Not with gas beating out gold on the New York Stock Exchange.

Instead, we're going to have a nice, simple celebration right here in the cradle of liberty.

How do we do it in Philadelphia, you ask? Well, it's a complicated process, but I'll try to explain.

First, we fry everything, including spoons, forks, napkins and people who get too close to the grease. Second, we scarf down cholesterol-laden food with utter disregard for medical repercussions. Third, we talk loudly and at length, laughing and joking until the drinkers among us begin the inevitable argument. Fourth, we break up the fight between Cousin Boo Boo and Uncle Frankie, neither of whom is sure which one stole the other's girlfriend 30 years ago.

After that, we have dessert, watch the fireworks - and hug.

I know, I know. The typical Philadelphia-style celebration might be a bit much for those in America's more staid communities. But it's reflective of the scrappy spirit of a nation that has endured much to get to this point.

You might not think this point in our history is so great. But even though it's tough to sign over a kidney for groceries, or take out a home-equity loan for gas, keep in mind that this is America. We've bounced back from worse.

And so, to honor our independence, and to reassure Americans that things aren't as bad as they seem, I'd like to outline just how far we've come in terms of our freedom. Because, these days, we've got freedoms that Thomas Jefferson never dreamed of.

Thanks to our ever-growing appetite for idiotic programming, and England's apparent willingness to bury the hatchet over that "revolution" thing, we're now free to watch British guys with bad haircuts hurl tightly enunciated insults at Americans who can't sing, dance or otherwise entertain us. Thank you, British guys! Your candor has helped us incorporate words like dreadful, frightful, appalling and horrendous into our limited vocabularies.

The immodest among us have discovered yet another freedom, one that's littered MySpace and other social-networking sites with pictures that should never have been taken. Posters, you're free to do what you like, but you may want to use this as a guideline:

Ladies, if your muffin-top is the size of a wedding cake, please do not pose online in a bikini. Gentlemen, if the hair on the back of your neck is connected to your beard, you are in desperate need of a haircut. Remove your "American Werewolf in London" picture from your Facebook page at once, and know that great freedom comes with great responsibility.

People my age have taken this freedom to the extreme. But like our other freedoms that can be dangerous if abused, this one has to be regulated. I'm therefore instituting an informal amendment. If you're 40 or over, please stop dressing like your kids. Men, pull your pants up. Your underwear is dirty. Ladies, please repeat this mantra while shopping: Just because it fits doesn't mean I should wear it.

Well, that's about it. Happy Independence Day! Enjoy your freedom . . . within reason. *

Solomon Jones appears every Saturday.

He can be reached at

info@solomonjones.com.