BAD SCIENCE

MISSOURI Senate candidate Todd Akin caused a firestorm over the weekend when he explained why he believes there are no exceptions that would allow abortion, even in cases of rape: "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down" and not get pregnant.

Akin may have been referencing some of the ancient Greek texts that had similar strange views about how the human body functions. For example, people in ancient Greece believed that hysteria was caused by the womb detaching itself and wandering around the body, causing all kinds of problems. One celebrated physician in ancient Greece wrote: "In women, in the hollow of the body below the ribcage, lies the womb. It is very much like an independent animal within the body for it moves around of its own accord and is quite erratic. Furthermore, it likes fragrant smells and moves toward them, but it dislikes foul odors and moves away from them . . . "

They also believed intercourse relieved the buildup of menstrual blood around the heart, and made medicines from parts of dogs.

We recently found a more modern reference guide to the human body to understand some of the other beliefs Akin may hold. Here are some of the findings:

* Men's brains are built on a weight-and-pulley system, designed to shut down when they hear certain sounds. These sounds include the voices of Merrill Reese, Scott Franzke and Angelo Cataldi. It also includes the sound of their spouses' voices.

* Female hormones turn off barbecues and cause steering wheels to spin out of control.

* Heart disease is what happens when a man's body punishes him for eating like a girl.

* If a woman has big breasts, that means she likes you.

* When two men kiss each other, a puppy dies.

Akin, a congressman, sits on the House Science Committee. We hope that Missouri voters realize that voting for him for Senate will lead to nausea, vomiting and despair.