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'Twas the week before Christmas, by Christine Flowers

'Twas the week before Christmas, But thanks to a trend, We were calling it "holiday," So as not to offend.

'Twas the week before Christmas

But thanks to a trend

We were calling it "holiday"

So as not to offend

The creatures were shopping

In capitalist bliss

Not heeding the warning

Of new "Pope Marxist" (er, Francis)

The stock market hung

On Paul Ryan's brave dare

Causing libs and conservatives

Equally to swear

In sports we were focused

On finding a reason

That the NFC East still

Deserved a postseason

Up on Capitol Hill

Was our speaker, John Boehner

Who, though screaming at colleagues

Looked infinitely saner

Not so happy the fellow

Who we fondly call POTUS

Since, by sampling some Danish

He ticked off the FLOTUS

Then we heard of a marriage

That got one teacher fired

But it wasn't surprising

He was forced to "retire"

Since the "groom" was employed

At a Catholic spot

And his dearly beloved, well-

A "bride" he was not.

Then a judge ruled polygamy

Might not be so awful

Raising hopes that a mass "I do"

Could soon become lawful.

And if that made us nervous

About government prying

Into bedrooms and chat rooms

And other such spying

We were given a gift

For the holiday season

When a judge told the NSA

Quit "searchin' and seizin' "

But I'm thinking there's one guy

Who might have liked getting

Some leaked information

Before his beheading

The Uncle of Kim Jong Un

Could have used the occasion

To charter a plane

And evade that crazed Asian.

Moving on, we experienced

Snow in December

What a shock! Armageddon!

We could hardly remember

Any other apocalypse

Of this dimension

Giving tight-skirted weather girls

Cause for attention

And in similar, jaw-dropping

Hot revelations

Sarah Palin was vilified

In Misogynist Nation

Even though her political

Star has now faded

She's still slandered by idiots,

Mostly liberal, and jaded.

You would think they would learn

To just leave her in peace

Since each time they abuse her

Her powers increase

But the world is a place

That does not learn its lessons

Most especially those that

Involve Smith & Wessons

As we marked one long year

Since the horrors of Newtown

Yet another sick wretch

Mowed some innocents down

And we talked about guns

And we talked of controls

And the blood kept on spilling

And we tallied lost souls.

And beyond our concern

For the innocent victims

We still clamored and yammered

About slips of the diction

Like that long-bearded fellow

From Duck Dynasty

Who used quotes from the Bible

'Gainst the LGBT

And before that was Paula

Who just couldn't keep quiet

And like Scarlett O'Hara

Caused a southern-fried riot

And the health-care debacle

Got a little less crazy

But the kids weren't signing up

Pretty darn lazy

And the world was still reeling

From the tragic discovery

That the chubby Kardashian

Was light by one hubby.

But we did find some solace

In pics of Ms. Bundchen

And her top model breasts

On which baby was lunching.

'Twas a time of great movement

'Twas a time of great meaning

And while stars sought publicity

Shamelessly preening

We still found fulfillment

In our own lives and blessings

In the smiles of our loved ones

In the warmth they're expressing

But my personal thanks

Go to Veep Joseph Biden

For the stuff that comes out

Of his mouth when it widens

There is nothing that makes me feel

Smarter and sure

Than a sound bit from Joe

Just like oral manure

So to all of my readers

Thanks for seeing this through,

And my wish for this Christmas

Is that God smiles on you.