Letters: Recovering addict responds to Flowers op-ed

I AM a 28-year-old recovering heroin addict.

Having said that, Ms. Flowers, I now need to address your perceptions of addiction and specifically Philip Seymour Hoffman's death.

Being educated in this field, both academically and personally, I am blessed with a unique insight into the disease of addiction. And, make no mistake about it, it is a disease. However, it is not a disease like cancer or diabetes, as some like to compare it to. It is a disease not like any other. It is threefold in nature: a mental obsession, like obsessive-compulsive disorder; a physical allergy, like one would have to peanut butter; and a spiritual malady, which I have no words to explain.

It speaks to you as if manifested in human form, living in your mind, and with a familiar voice of your own. It leeches to the primitive brain, permeating into the cognitive part; always reminding us that no matter how depressed, stressed, angry, lonely, anxious or any other negative emotion we may experience, drugs will always provide a temporary relief. This escape is merely a trap, always returning us to the vicious cycle of addiction. But, I need to emphasize, drug use is only a symptom of the disease.

There is no "kicking" an addiction, as you stated. We, as addicts, can only hope for, at best, a daily reprieve. The word reprieve itself suggests much regarding this disease, with words in its definition like "postpone," "delay," and "temporary." Most addicts who have found a way to remain abstinent do so one day at a time. Others do so in various ways, but many symptoms remain in their day to day lives: hence, the term "dry drunk."

I wholeheartedly agree that so-called addiction specialists are way off when they say that no addict seeking a better way of life or recovery need ever die. As to selfishness, the core of this disease is based in self-centeredness, self-will and selfishness. It is another symptom. Entitlement for many recovering addicts is apparent because they are left with the selfishness even when the drugs are removed.

It doesn't matter how much time we have abstained from use, using always is an option and that is something that most people cannot understand. I myself was clean for five years and returned to active use with no excuses other than I ceased to maintain what was providing my daily reprieve, and once I picked up I had no choice but to continue until something or someone intervened. At the time of my relapse, I held degrees in the addiction field from prestigious universities, had clean time, everyone I knew was in the field, in recovery, or both. It didn't matter. See, in 12-step programs they speak of powerlessness. That powerlessness is explained as using against your will. This concept is found in many of the cliches heard in such programs, such as "one is too many and a thousand never enough," or "living to use and using to live."

Personally, and all too clearly, I remember driving into some horrible neighborhoods in Philadelphia to get just one more, because, in my head, one more would allow me to be the father, friend, son, employee or brother I knew I could be, but always preventing it because it was always one more. During those drives I found myself crying, with every fiber of my being wanting to turn around, run to a loved one's house and beg for help. However, as I said, powerlessness means using against your will.

In conclusion, I am not ridiculing your article, it was well written. It is an opinion column and therefore subject to your opinion. I do, however, believe that it was a misinformed opinion. Anger toward Hoffman is pointless; he more than likely had enough directed at himself than a million people could. Sympathy and empathy are often what best allow us to cope with a loss like this, because we need not forget his children, the obligation to them that addiction stole.

There is no immunization, Ms. Flowers, merely a daily reprieve, and we are subject to relapse like a cancer patient is, even after given a clean bill of health and no evidence of disease.

Jonathan Connolly

Jenkintown