Oh 2009, another time of reason to rhyme
At the end of the year, let's take some time to reflect on all that occurred from far and near.
is an Inquirer staff writer
As this year of our living abstemiously has drawn to a grateful close
It is fitting to look back at all that has passed, the highs, a few middles and lows.
We started with hope that the new prez would do all he promised and he wasn't joking
Health insurance for all, cleaner air, better jobs (and while he was at it, quit smoking!)
He'd reason with Congress, let's all get along and fix this big mess we are in
You betcha! the GOP said (but they lied) proving partisanship is a sin.
They protested death panels s'posed to kill Granny
Fought vaccines, gay marriage - the logic? Uncanny.
Now on to recession, on second thought, nope. Let's dish first on some good celebrity dope.
Poor Jacko who used anesthesia to sleep, moonwalked off the stage on a dosage too steep.
Cher's daughter, named Chastity came out with pride, I'm a man now, she said, on the out and inside.
Goldman Sachs, who had long paid their top guys obscenely
Borrowed billions from us - bankruptcy's so unseemly.
Bernie Madoff, who ripped all his friends off routinely
Was sent to a prison in Butner, (no really!)
It's in North Carolina and wait, he's still game
61727-054's his name
A dude in New York played that number and won
The lottery, yeah crime pays and spins off such fun!
Kanye dissed Taylor, Monk ended, Glee rocked
Slumdog swept the Oscars, Joaquin went farkakt
Lindsay Lohan's a mess, Aniston's still not wed
Twilight's Jacob v. Edward? Both hot. Enuf said.
Now Philly: Pools closed, so will Cardinal Dock
With no budget, the state put the city in hock
BRT? OMG. A new D.A.'s elected.
Vince Fumo got 55 months, you expected . . . ?
The Phils made the Series, then lost, life's not fair
But Jayson, you're gorgeous, even with facial hair.
The mansion La Ronda was blasted to bits
They broke ground on the Barnes and dean Mark Sargent quit
(If you missed that, he was the dean of Villanova's law school, who resigned when the FBI investigated his link to a prostitution ring. This doesn't rhyme, but it was too juicy to ignore.)
The ice cap is melting, our clunkers are sold
Oral Roberts expired (don't be sad, he was old.)
Air France crashed a plane, 228 died
But US Air's Sully saved 155.
David Letterman got caught sleeping round with his staff
Then Gov. Sanford, his story? a laugh.
"I was off in the woods on the Appalachian Trail."
When in truth, he was in Buenos Aires with tail.
And speaking of Woods, do we need to review?
That golf club through windshield, a desperate rescue?
With Tag Heuer's slogan quote: "What are you made of?"
At least Tiger's imprimatur's now creative.
For Lenore Annenberg, this year was her last
Apartheid's brave critic, Helen Suzman, has passed.
Koko Taylor, Les Paul, Patrick Swayze, adieu
Farrah Fawcett and Claude Levi-Strauss, yes, them too.
Cronkite and Updike and DeLuise, Dom
To pastures much greener, they all have moved on.
Bea Arthur, the Golden Girls' snarky old hen
Kennedy, the lion, and photographer Irving Penn.
Come good news come bad news, the media's to blame
Susan Boyle's a big hit, Blagojevich shamed.
A blond in a sari with hubby in tow
Crashed into the White House, You're famous! Now GO.
Il Jong gave two journalists freedom, good will.
Tehran caught three hikers, they're in prison still.
A shrink at Fort Hood prepped for war went berserk
While a study found those who cut hair love their work!
Karzai's still in Kabul, Iran's brewing nukes
Biggest Loser contestants work out till they puke.
Word has it that some of them cheat just to win.
What, you thought, that the hard way they all got so thin?
You may have lost income, insurance says Nyet
Your kidneys are shot, you're anemic and yet
Have faith, keep on laughing, good wishes to you.
A baby orangutan lives in your zoo!
There's a new year a coming, with promises sweet.
Just be thankful you don't need Propofol to sleep.