The American Debate: A conspiracy against all that can't be known

Do you know that Franz Kafka story where the main character realizes upon awakening that he has become an insect? Well, I can top that. I woke up today to discover that I am now a birther, and suddenly I feel so free.

I can believe whatever I want about Barry Hussein Obama's foreign birth. I don't have to care anymore about what society calls "facts." I don't need any "evidence," a word that comes up a lot in the lamestream media, which I think is suspicious. And I am thrilled to belong to such a big group of believers. Did you hear about the new national poll that says 45 percent of Republicans believe Obama is foreign-born? I bet that will make you want to wake up as a birther, too.

Join us and you will see the extent of the conspiracy. The leftist propagandists are dictating to us that Obama was "born" in "Hawaii" in 1961, but what I want to know is: Did any of them actually witness the birth? Were they in the room when it supposedly happened? If not, how can they claim that it happened?

I could rest my case right there, but the other side never quits. It is widely "reported," for example, that Obama's "Hawaii" "birth" is officially recorded in the Aug. 13, 1961, edition of the Honolulu Advertiser, and that anybody can see it on the newspaper's microfilm in the Honolulu public library. But that's the kind of trickery I would expect from the people who want to curb my freedom.

First of all, somebody during the last 50 years has clearly smuggled in fake microfilm. Second of all, you can't trust a newspaper, because it's liberal. Third of all, even though the competing Honolulu Star-Bulletin also carried a "birth" "announcement," that proves my point about liberal newspapers conspiring together.

I am so happy, by the way, that Donald Trump has awakened as a birther. I have never seen his NBC reality show, but I now will be glad to give him a ratings boost as thanks for all his help on this crucial issue, and I also want to thank NBC for constantly interviewing him about the birther cause.

Trump is saying the things I wish I could say if only I had his money and celebrity to be on TV. Like, for instance, he points out that nobody in Hawaii "ever comes forward" to say that they knew Obama as a child. Then it turns out that the Maui News, on Jan. 21, 2009, "interviewed" two retired kindergarten teachers who say they did know Obama as a child. One of the teachers, who claims her name is Aimee Yatsushiro, was quoted as saying, "He was a cute, likable, heavy-build child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."

Ha, you can't fool me. This woman claims that she can "visualize" the boy. But did she take any photos of him? If not, why not? If so, why won't she release them? What has she been trying to cover up since 2009? Most important, who got to her? Trump's Hawaii investigators will surely get to the bottom of this, and if they don't, who got to them?

There is so much that's fishy about Hawaii. A state Health Department spokeswoman, who claims her name is Janice Okubo, says the newspaper birth announcement information came directly from the hospital where Obama was allegedly born.

And the Health Department director, who claims to be Dr. Leinaala Fukino, has said the original birth records, which are confidential under state law, verify that "Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen."

Well, big deal. I looked up Hawaii's voting record. Hawaii has voted Democratic in every presidential election since 1988. So there you go.

Meanwhile, we keep hearing about this so-called certificate of live birth that Hawaii put out. Trump tells me this is not a real birth certificate, and I find it very suspicious that the U.S. State Department says he is wrong. Apparently the State Department treats birth certificate as a generic term, and accepts live-birth certificates as proof of citizenship and valid grounds for getting a passport. This just goes to show you how high the conspiracy goes, because the State Department is run by Hillary Clinton, a Democrat who once tried to give us universal health care.

They say that Obama's live-birth certificate has an official state signature (from someone claiming to be Alvin Onaka) and an official certificate number (which claims to be 151-1961-010641), but I won't believe any of that until I can obtain my own copy and examine it for myself. The hitch is, I can't get a copy - because the Federal Health Information Privacy Act protects the privacy of medical records. Ha, the plot thickens. That federal act was passed in 1999. Care to guess which president signed it into law? Bill Clinton. And whom is he married to? Hillary Clinton at the State Department. So there you go.

I refuse to obey the "fact" peddlers. They keep telling me that Obama's Kenyan grandmother repeatedly testified, in an audiotape interview, that the future president was born in Hawaii. Sarah Obama's translator says on the tape, "Hawaii. Hawaii. Sir, she says he was born in Hawaii. The state of Hawaii, where his father was also learning. The state of Hawaii."

Big deal, why should I believe that? I once saw a documentary about the Beatles that told how they liked to arrange their music backward by splicing up the recording reels. I bet that those Hawaii references were obtained by splicing the tape and running it backward. I bet that if I restored the tape and ran it forward, it would come out as "Kenyan-born Marxist." Do you have incontrovertible proof that it wouldn't?

I don't know how long I will remain free from the unwelcome rigors of "reality." Perhaps I and millions of other believers will awaken in time for the '12 election, as though from a fevered dream. But for now, I have a question:

How do we know that this "Obama" was even biologically born? Maybe he was created in a test tube by America's enemies. The media dictate to us that the first test-tube baby was invented in 1978, but how do we know for sure that it didn't happen in 1961? Maybe Trump will tell me. Maybe a viral e-mail will tell me. Can I vote now?