Party of One: The rain is free of charge
As the mayor will tell you, everyone loves a parade, but someone has to pay for it.
Somewhere in City Hall, a phone is ringing. ...
Mayor: Hi, this is Mayor Nutter.
Caller: Mayor Nutter? Well, this is quite an honor! I didn't realize I dialed your office.
Mayor: You didn't. I'm filling in for someone. Budget cuts, you know. How may I direct your call?
Caller: I'd like to speak with someone about holding a parade.
Mayor: I'll connect you with our Ministry of Parades.
Caller: Thank you!
Mayor: Ministry of Parades, how can I help you?
Caller: Is that you again, Mayor?
Mayor: These are tough times. How can I help you?
Caller: Well, I represent the local chapter of Pennsylvania Dutch Pride, and we'd like to hold a parade on Broad Street in the spring.
Mayor: I'm not familiar with your group. Have you marched here before?
Caller: This will be our first time! We're local people who are proud of our Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. How do we get started on a parade?
Mayor: With a certified check payable to the city for $20,000.
Caller: Excuse me?
Mayor: That's the standard fee for a start-up pride parade.
Caller: Twenty thousand dollars? Just to march down the street with a few groundhogs and dairy cows?
Mayor: Parades with livestock cost an extra $5,000. For the shovel brigade.
Caller: But that's outrageous! One of the proudest traits of the Pennsylvania Dutch is thriftiness. We won't pay $20,000 for a parade.
Mayor: I understand. But times are tough. The city is charging other groups, too - the Mummers, the St. Patrick's Day parade, everybody. These things cost the city money. There's police, sanitation, pole-greasing.
Caller: Pole-greasing?
Mayor: In case your spectators get too rowdy and try to climb the light poles. The grease may cost extra, depending on reserves.
Caller: But aren't the police on duty anyway? And you haven't considered all the Pennsylvania Dutch tourists who will come to the city to spend their money - carefully, of course.
Mayor: Listen, there are some options that would hold down your costs. For example, are you flexible on the starting time of your parade?
Caller: I guess so.
Mayor: I could give you a half-price deal if the parade kicks off at 3 a.m. There's less traffic at that hour, so you'd need fewer police.
Caller: But who wants to watch a parade at 3 o'clock in the morning?
Mayor: It was just a suggestion. You could also save money by shortening the route.
Caller: How short?
Mayor: You could march from Walnut Street to Locust Street.
Caller: According to my map, that's only one block.
Mayor: Yes, but it's cheaper. We want to work with you.
Caller: I appreciate that, Mayor. Perhaps you can do something else for me.
Mayor: Anything! What do you need?
Caller: I need the phone number for Punxsutawney. I think we'll march there instead.
Mayor: Are you sure we can't work this out? You know, maybe Broad Street is too pricey. Did I mention our Sunday night discount for parades on Roosevelt Boulevard? ... Hello?