By Gerald Kolpan
You may have heard that Ted Kennedy's replacement in the Senate, Scott Brown, is trying to raise money by claiming the Democrats have drafted lefty darling Rachel Maddow to run against him. Last week, the MSNBC host flatly denied the rumor, saying she will not challenge Brown in 2012.
That is absolutely true. How do I know? Because after they asked her, they asked me.
It was strange how they went about it. Last Friday, I answered the door to find my trusty UPS driver waiting. "Oh, boy," I thought to myself, "my copy of Socialism for Snotty Elitists has finally arrived from Amazon!"
But just as the delivery man was about to hand me a package, he dramatically removed his mask.
"Good lord!" I exclaimed. "It's Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine!"
"Shhhh! Not so loud," Kaine said. "Even in Philadelphia, there are Republicans."
"But what are you doing here, Mr. Chairman?" I asked. "And is that my copy of Socialism for Snotty Elitists?"
"No, it isn't, but that's not important right now. I've come to you on a matter of grave importance: The party wants you to run for Senate against Scott Brown in 2012."
"Why me?" I asked. "The godless-liberal grapevine says you've already asked lesbian commie MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow."
"She couldn't do it," Kaine said. "Something about a prior commitment to destroying the American way of life. So we're turning to you."
"I don't understand."
"We figure you possess many of the same qualities. First of all, you're Jewish - which we thought she was until we looked it up - and you've done a great job working for the International Zionist-Communist Conspiracy. You secretly ran the economy of Bolivia, right?"
"No, that was my mother. I did Venezuela."
"Also, we wanted somebody gay - the better to advance our family-destroying Homosexual Agenda."
"But I'm not gay. I've been married for 27 years."
"You went to art school; that's close enough. Finally, like Rachel, you're a major media personality and will therefore be adept at spreading our message of wealth redistribution."
"I haven't been on TV for more than a year," I said.
"Damn it, man, do you want the job or not?" demanded the former Virginia governor.
"I also don't live in Massachusetts."
"You've got more than two years to establish residency. We've already rented you a chic pied-a-terre on fancy-pants Newberry Street so that you can rub elbows with other limousine liberals while plotting the overthrow of every single one of our traditional values."
"But, Governor, isn't this whole idea a little - silly?"
"It won't be once it hits the Web. You'll be surprised how quickly it's taken seriously once 50 guys in their underwear read it."
The offer was ultimately too tempting to resist, so farewell, Philadelphia! I'm off to the home of the Patriots to challenge a true American with my European-style, croissant-eating Marxism.
Anybody who doesn't believe I'd be a better senator than Scott Brown probably doesn't believe in evolution, either.