A day for remembering rarely acknowledged losses

By Robin Worgan

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which recognizes anyone who has suffered the grief of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death in the family. There are about 500,000 miscarriages a year in the United States, according to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Research Institute. One of every 148 babies is stillborn, and three of every 1,000 babies die soon after birth. All of these losses are devastating in their own way.

Hopes and dreams begin with pregnancy, and miscarriages quickly shatter those dreams. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I have friends who suffered numerous such losses.

After two healthy births, my fourth pregnancy ended at 7 p.m. on Aug. 13, 1997. Our daughter Margaret weighed three pounds and had beautiful lips, a round head, a ton of brown hair, and a nose just like her big sister's. My husband and I held her for hours, but we couldn't take her home. Her heart had stopped beating; her eyes never opened.

For a long time afterward, each day was difficult, and each year held milestones we would miss: first word, first tooth, first day of school. As time has gone by, the pain has softened, but the missed milestones continue. Last summer, my husband and I pondered what Margaret would have been like on her 13th birthday.

Those of us who have lost babies grieve differently from one another, even from our own spouses. But we all miss and ache for our lost babies. I have much to be thankful for, but Margaret will always be missing.

If you have lost a child, do something today in recognition of that. Attend a service, light a candle, gather with family, recite a special prayer or poem, sing or listen to a chosen song, or send a donation to a charity helping to prevent other tragic losses.

If you know someone who has lost a baby in the past two years, reach out by lighting a candle, sending a card, or making a donation to charity. The National Remembrance Day website (www.october15th.com) suggests a number of ways to support grieving families. Though the Internet has increased the accessibility of bereavement literature and support networks, too many families still grieve silently.

A century ago, many more babies died, and it was natural to speak to your neighbor about a lost child. Ironically, progress in medicine has diminished support for those who suffer an infant loss. Losing a baby or child is no longer seen as "normal," so people feel uncomfortable talking about it.

We can change that together. Let all these angels be remembered and talked about.