Rush Limbaugh, comic genius

"For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week. In this instance, I chose the wrong words. . . . My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir." - from Rush Limbaugh's apology to Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Rio Linda Entertainment in Broadcasting (EIB) Comedy Club! It's now time for tonight's headliner. Let's have a big hand for the comedy stylings of Mr. Rush Limbaugh!

Rush: Good evening, feminazis and dittoheads. How's everybody doin'? (Crinkling paper.) Are you all ready for some good old-fashioned absurdist humor?

Dittoheads: Yeah! Do Obamacare!

Rush: "Obama's got a health-care logo that's right out of Adolf Hitler's playbook. ... Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate." (This, from Aug. 6, 2009, and subsequent Limbaugh quotes are real.)

Dittohead 1: Ha ha! How about that whiner Michael J. Fox?

Rush: "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease [Parkinson's]. He is moving all around and shaking, and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox." (Oct. 23, 2006.)

Dittoheads: Jesse Jackson! Jesse Jackson!

Rush: "Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?" (Date unknown.)

Dittoheads: Good one! You da man, El Rushbo!

Rush: "I'm having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have." (July 2, 2008, on his $400 million contract.)

Dittohead 1: Tell us about your cat!

Dittohead 2: No, tell us about women!

Dittoheads: Tell us about both!

Rush: "[My cat] comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her - guess what? - she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house until the next time she gets hungry. She's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. ... She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women than anything my whole life." (Nov. 30, 2006)

Dittohead 3: What the hell is it with the (cough) government trying to run (cough) our lives?

Rush: "It has not been proven that nicotine is addictive. The same with cigarettes' causing emphysema ." (April 29, 1994)

Dittohead 4: Hilarious! Say, what was that Abu Ghraib thing all about?

Rush: "This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation. ... I'm talking about people having a good time, these people. You ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of [a] need to blow some steam off?" (May 6, 2004)

Dittohead 1: Rahm Emanuel called liberals "retards." Is that retarded or what?

Rush: "Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards 'retards.' ... There's going to be a retard summit at the White House." (Feb. 3, 2010)

Dittohead 2: Hey, El Rushbo, show them liberals how to apologize to a woman after you not only call her a slut and a prostitute, but also say she's having "so much sex" she's going broke buying contraceptives, and that she should show us videos of her having sex, and that her parents should be ashamed of her.

Rush: "Those two words were inappropriate." (March 3, 2010.)

Dittohead 3: Which two?

Rush: "Take that bone out of your nose and call me back." (Response to an African American caller, date unknown.)

Dittoheads: Megadittoes!