Cougar hunt: Mature women dating younger men say they are the prey

by Lissa Atkins

Published Aug. 14, 2009, 9:48 a.m. ET

By Liz Doup

Sun Sentinel

(MCT)

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Don't call 'em cougars, OK?

Yeah, they date younger guys. But ...

"I don't hunt," says Donna Martinson , 43, giving her blond mane a shake.

"They hunt me."

Martinson, who works in real estate, is sipping a glass of white wine at Fort Lauderdale, Fla.'s Blue Martini. Its rep as a cougar lair is so entrenched that Ladies Night at the upscale hot spot is known as Cougar Night.

Alas, this cougar thing just won't die. And Cougar Night is just a ripple among waves. There's "Cougar" the book. On TV, Vivica A. Fox's "The Cougar" and, coming this fall, "Cougar Town" with Courteney Cox .

Now we have Sugar Ray's latest CD, "Music for Cougars." The album title is a joke at the expense of his aging band, Sugar Ray singer Mark McGrath says in an interview. As he tells it, a friend watching them play a recent outdoor mall gig observed, "Dude, all your fans are cougars." The idea stuck.

"The irony of that is, I'm 41," says McGrath. "I'm certainly not any cougar's prize."

Yet he's now considered an authority on cougar culture. "People want me to talk about it and define it," he says.

But really, what's all the fuss?

Older guys have coveted younger flesh for centuries. We're so accustomed to the obvious mismatch — he's a wealthy troll; she's a fabulous fox — it doesn't raise eyebrows, let alone produce a CD.

So if older women want to date a guy who still fits into size-34 pants, why not?

And if older dudes don't get why older women pass them by, let a few women spell it out.

The 40-plus don't automatically pass men by because of age. They're turned off by their attitude and actions. And fat and flaccid doesn't do much for them, either.

"Sure, I'd like to find that sophisticated Cary Grant ," says Lisa Harvath , 46, of Sunrise, Fla., who dates men within a 10-year range, older and younger. "The problem is that he comes with baggage. There's the ex-wife and the child support he's always complaining about. He's already jaded."

'I HATE THAT WORD — COUGAR'

And that's just the beginning. The dude who thinks watching TV is an aerobic activity. Or is too tired for sex. Or still living his life like it's 1980.

Sorry, but not great date material for those post-40 and ready to go, go, go.

Though Mary Cigna and her current beau are in their 50s, she recalls a terrific relationship with a 39-year-old when she was 52. And he was the pursuer, she says.

"I've learned more about sex after a 33-year marriage than I did during it," says Cigna, a Fort Lauderdale paralegal.

Stephanie Fleming , of Sunrise, is 42 and an attorney who prefers guys in the lower digits.

"Younger guys are more energetic, more adventuresome," she says. "They're not so set in their ways."

On a recent outing, she and her date went retro and watched a film at a drive-in while sipping wine.

"An older guy sitting for hours in a car might complain that his joints ache," she says, laughing.

Fleming is enjoying a drink with a female pal at Fort Lauderdale's YOLO, known as another cougar lair. ("I hate that word — cougar," she says. "It makes you sound old, and I don't feel like I'm old.")

It's no surprise that women dating younger guys gravitate to more sophisticated spots, home to $12 glasses of wine rather than $2 beers. Blue Martini. YOLO. The Hard Rock in Hollywood, Fla. Gigis in Boca.

They prefer a more cultivated atmosphere. More cultivated company.

Many are successful professionals. They make their own money. They run their own lives. Some have marriage and kids behind them. They're not looking for a diamond ring or a legal document.

They're not even looking, they insist.

Pat Turner , leaving Gigis, stops long enough to say that young men can be incredibly aggressive.

"I don't need to go to bars," she says. "Men come up to me in the grocery store, at the gas station."

In her 50s, she won't date anyone under 40. But a 32-year-old approached her recently.

"He came up to me and said, 'You're beautiful,'" she says. "I told him, 'I'm old enough to be your mother.'"

But plenty of cougars are on the hunt, says Derek Mann , 29, a Blue Martini doorman who's been hunted himself.

"They're very aggressive," he says. "They'll grab your hand and ask if you have a girlfriend. They want me to dance with them. If they want you, they'll go after you."

NO MIND GAMES

What's the attraction for men?

Women quote their younger dates as saying this:

Older women know who they are and what they want. No wasting time or mind games. And then there's the sex.

Some women in their 40s are where guys are in their 20s, sexually speaking, says Martinson, who dates men in their 20s.

"I love it that I'm 43 and young guys tell me I'm in better shape than a 20-year-old," she says. "I have a lot of sexuality. I don't try to hide it."

Staff writer Sean Piccoli contributed to this story.

Lissa Atkins