Should new stepdad discipline stepson?

Dear Lisa:

My daughter is a single mom to my grandson, who is nine years old. My grandson's father is not and refuses to be involved in his life, although he does send child support. My daughter has been in a serious relationship with someone for the past 15 months or so. We believe they are discussing a future together and I am concerned about this guy's role in my grandson's life. For nine years, my daughter and grandson have been a bit of a dynamic duo, with our help when needed. She has been a terrific mother who has raised a little boy who has manners, is friendly, bright, and just a pleasure to be around. That being said, he is nine. Occasionally, his behavior needs correction. I truly believe that should she end up married, the primary responsibility for my grandson's discipline should remain with her. I intend to express that opinion, if and when the time is appropriate.

My husband and I have been married for 35 years, so we have no reference regarding stepfamilies. What is the general advice in this situation?

Concerned Grandmother

Dear Concerned Grandmother:

Thanks for writing. It’s wonderful that you’re looking out for the welfare of your grandson. You’re absolutely right! Your daughter should be the one who disciplines your grandson—now and when she gets married. When stepparents try to step into the “parenting” and “disciplining” role, the kids often resent them—and for good reason. Stepparents are not the kids’ parents. That’s why kids say “You’re not my daddy!” or “You’re not my mommy!” so often.

Stepparents often feel the need to behave like “parents” to their stepkids because they want their stepfamily to feel like a first-time family. The truth is, it’s not a first-time family, and it’s important to accept this. In addition, stepparents often discipline their stepkids because the stepparents feel out of control in their own family. Instead of trying to take charge, stepparents need to talk to their spouses or partners about how they feel.

If your daughter needs more detailed advice about this, check out

» READ MORE: www.stepfamilytalkradio.com

. There's an interview with Dr. Margorie Engel, former president of the Stepfamily Association of America, on the "Listen to Stepfamily Talk Radio" page called "The Stepparent's Role." She stresses that a stepparent should be an “extra adult” in the family—not an extra parent. Even if a parent has died or is not present, a stepparent should serve as an extra adult, she says.

In time, as a stepfamily grows and matures, this role can change.

Your daughter should also check out many of our audios at

» READ MORE: stepfamilytalkradio.com

, subscribe to our podcast series (series of audios and ebooklets), and consider reading our book, “One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies.” In our book, we discuss how our own new stepfamily tackled this issue with “his” and “hers” kids. We followed Dr. Engel’s guidelines about this topic.

Good luck. Feel free to write with more questions.

Best,

Lisa