Stepdaughter compares stepmom to mom

Hello,

I have been married for less than a year to a wonderful man with a 10-year- old daughter. I am a mother of an 8-year-old and a 12-year-old. My stepdaughter lives with us exactly half of the time. I feel I have a wonderful relationship with my stepdaughter. However, she is constantly saying to me, "You want to do that so you can look like my mommy." For example, I have straight hair and I want to get a body wave. My stepdaughter asked me if I am doing that to look like her mommy. Her mommy is very thin and I am trying to lose approximately 15 pounds. She will comment on a skinny lady in my exercise video or magazine, saying that her mommy is that skinny, and am I trying to get thinner to look like her mommy? There are times she will make these comments in front of other people. These are just a few examples.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I am embarrassed when she says these things in front of other people. I can't go through life with her constantly asking me if I am doing things so that I will look like her mommy. Please note that the comments only are made about my physical appearance. My stepdaughter tells me that I am pretty but I don't understand why she thinks I want to look like her mother. I am happy with my appearance! Please help!

Caring Stepmom

Dear Caring Stepmom:

I think it’s natural for kids in stepfamilies to compare their stepmothers to their mothers. The good news here is your daughter is being open about it!

I have some suggestions for you based on some recent interviews I’ve completed for my Stepfamily Talk Radio podcasts (

» READ MORE: www.stepfamilytalkradio.com

).

First of all, I wonder if your stepdaughter’s mother compares herself to you. This is very common, says Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., a stepmom and author of numerous books about women. Stepmoms and mothers are driven by very primitive feelings to compete with one another. However, these feelings can cause a lot of trouble in stepfamilies, she says. (I know. I receive more questions about this topic than any other topic.)

If you believe that your stepdaughter’s mother is competing with you—and possibly badmouthing you--I suggest you click on

» READ MORE: www.stepfamilytalkradio.com

and listen to the audio, “Stepmoms and Their Husbands’ Ex-Wives.” I can also send you an ebook about this topic. The audio and ebook explain why stepmoms and biological moms compete with each other and how this can hurt the kids. It also explains how you can try to forge a relationship with your husband’s ex.

You might also want to read the book “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation” (

» READ MORE: www.bonusfamilies.com

). Co-author Jann Blackstone-Ford describes how she learned to get along with her husband’s ex-wife.

I’m also wondering if you’re treating your stepdaughter as if you’re a “mom” to her. It’s often a better idea, especially at the beginning, to make it clear that you know she has a mom and you respect that fact, says Margorie Engel, former president of the Stepfamily Association of America. You might want to be clear that you’re an extra adult to her—and don’t want to replace her mother. For more information about this topic, listen to the audio, “The Stepparent’s Role: Mom? Dad? Extra Adult?” at Stepfamily Talk Radio. It’s an interview with Engel.

You might also want to read this article:

» READ MORE: www.stepfamilyadvice.com/stepmom_success.htm

You could also have an honest conversation with your stepdaughter. Tell her it hurts your feelings when she suggests you’re trying to look like her mother. Again, be clear that you don’t want to replace her mother and that you respect her mom.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,

Lisa