Stepmom feels manipulated by stepdaughter, unsupported by husband

Dear Lisa,

We have a stepfamily with his, hers and ours kids. Our “ours” child is 9, and the others are teens. As a stepmom, I generally don’t get involved in parenting my husband’s kids or setting rules. However, at times, I do need to set some rules about safety.

I don’t let my 18-year-old son or 18-year-old stepdaughter drive our 9-year-old daughter in cars. I think they are both too inexperienced. What’s more, my stepdaughter suffers from lack of confidence behind the wheel and only feels comfortable driving a car that’s not safe for the rear passengers (That’s the one she learned to drive in). I offer to drive my stepdaughter and daughter wherever they want to go, whenever they want to, and say that I’ll leave them alone together (rather than intruding on their visit).

Here’s the problem: My husband recently told me that his 18-year-old daughter won’t spend time with our 9-year-old unless she gets to drive her around in a car. He also said that my stepdaughter is spending less and less time at our house because she’s upset about my rule about her driving our daughter. I’m not sure whether this last piece of information is true or whether he’s saying this to get me to do what his daughter wants me to do. It seems my husband always puts his daughter’s interests before our daughter’s.

I feel unsupported by my husband and manipulated by my stepdaughter. What do you suggest?

Frustrated Stepmom

Dear Frustrated Stepmom,

This sounds like a really difficult situation. However, it’s very common for people in stepfamilies to form blood-based alliances. Often, a parent will side with his or her biological child when there’s conflict.

Child psychologist Dr. Vicki Panaccione, founder of the Better Parenting Institute, says that in this case, safety must come first.

“If this mom has concerns about the safety of her children, then it’s almost a no-brainer. She has to protect the child. And I would hope the father can be made to see that his children are in potential danger,” she says. “If the stepdaughter is in an unsafe car, I would recommend addressing concern for her safety, as well. She may be insulted, then so be it. The way the issue may have been presented might have made her feel that all the stepmother cared about was her precious 9-year-old How about being sure there is expressed concern for the stepdaughter, as well?”

Panaccione points out that you did set this rule for both your son and stepdaughter. This should soften the blow to your stepdaughter. You are not singling her out.

Panaccione wonders if your 9-year-old really wants to spend time with her older sister, given that it seems she is being punished by the 18-year-old for a rule that you made. “This doesn’t speak too highly of the 18-year-old’s maturity,” she says. One possibility is to let your husband drive or have him drive the 9-year-old to meet his daughter somewhere. “If the 9-year-old is not really upset about the whole thing, I might leave it be and let the dust settle,” she says.

She notes that it’s important for you and your husband to get on the same page.

Family therapist Dr. Beth Erickson agrees that you and your husband need to support each other.

“The couple needs to provide a functional united front. That is, they need to back each other up instead of one parent siding with a child. In situations like this, the stepmother always pays the highest price,” says Erickson.

You might want to visit

» READ MORE: www.stepfamilytalkradio.com/products.htm

and check out the audio, “How Stepmoms Can Survive and Thrive,” which provides great tips about communicating with husbands about tough subjects like this one.

Good luck. Don’t let yourself be manipulated into taking a step that you believe would be unsafe for your daughter.

Best,

Lisa