Stepmom gets double-whammy - from husband’s ex and family

Dear Lisa,

I have been married two years to a man with two young adult children and I have a teen child from my first marriage. My husband has been divorced from his ex for 10 years. He and one of his friends told me his family didn't like his ex because she was very domineering. They haven't had much of a relationship with his ex in recent years. However, when I recently told my ex that I didn't like his family's boozing and partying, he started spending less time with them. At this point his family suddenly developed a liking to his ex and she is invited to family events. I think the family is playing head games and trying to force the kids to take sides.

His ex seems to be taking this as an opportunity for one-upmanship. Sad to say but despite my desire and to be honorable and gracious, I have found myself playing the game by their rules, behaving in ways that erode my self respect and leave me competing with this woman.

I am finding myself acting competitive--trying to protect my place in the family and exclude her. These people are playing some very unkind games with our lives and sadly it has affected relationships with the ex and the stepkids as well as others.

Can you suggest anything that we can do to remove ourselves from the whole spectrum of pettiness, jealousy, insecurity, competitiveness? unkindness, judgment, hate and fear?

Thanks,

P.W.

Dear P.W.:

This sounds like a terribly difficult situation. You're getting a double-blow—one from his ex-wife and another from his family.

Believe it or not, this is not uncommon. Ex-wives are often jealous of and compete with their ex-husbands' new wives. And a divorced dad's family often favors his first wife, especially when she's the mother of his children.

I think that you answer your own question in your letter. You ask how you can remove yourself from this pettiness and jealousy. Why don't you do just that? Remove yourself from it. Don't take part in it.

In our "Stepmoms and Their Husbands' Ex-Wives" audio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com/products.htm), we offer stepmoms lots of tips for avoiding negative, competitive behavior with ex-wives. First of all, don't stoop to "Mean Girl" games. Choose not to compete. Don't respond when she competes with you. In addition, if his ex bad-mouths you, don't play the game. Don't bad-mouth her back. Try to be civil at all times—even when it's really difficult. Don't obsess on his ex-wife. Many stepmoms do this. When you start obsessing about her, you're giving her a lot of control. Take control of what you're feeling and thinking, advises Jann Blackstone-Ford, my co-host in Stepfamily Talk Radio. She's been there and has discovered how to avoid this behavior.

For the sake of the kids, you might try reaching out to your husband's ex. Try forming a parenting partnership with her. You might even ask her advice about the kids. That can often break the ice and open the door for a better relationship.

As for your husband's family, I suggest you try to distance yourself from them as much as possible. Let your husband deal with them. When you have to be with them, be civil. Don't get wrapped up in their games. Remind yourself that it's not personal: Many second wives get this treatment.

Good luck to you.

Best,

Lisa