The re-emergence of date night

By Heidi Stevens

Chicago Tribune

(MCT)

A "date" is butterflies in the stomach. Pants that flatter the rear view. Surprise endings.

Its very distant cousin, "date night," is an uninterrupted meal. The pants you wore to that wedding one time. A baby-sitter.

We clearly love date night. But are we in love with date night? It's complicated.

"To counter that, I have started having more dates with my husband," she says.

Does her husband ever take the reins?

"You have to be kidding," Smith says. "If I waited for my husband to make some huge romantic gesture, I'd probably still be single. He's a good man, but romance is the furthest thing from his mind."

(Besides, Smith adds, invoking those presidential dates: "I don't think either Michelle or Barack plan their evenings. It's their social coordinator, and I would kill to have my own.")

Which sounds ideal, except ...

Still, she's vigilant about making them happen, even if it just means hitting the gym together and grabbing a bite to eat afterward.

"We both really miss our relationship the way it was before kids," she says. "We love the kids, but we are working on redefining fun."

And that, say relationship experts, is the key to a successful marriage.

And as long as they occur semi-regularly.

"It's easy to put your marriage on hold for a while," Stone says. "You're both adults and you can live on the scraps for a while. We compare marriage to a houseplant; it will die of neglect if you don't take care of it. It doesn't need heavy maintenance, but it does need some watering."

"When my mom was in town to help, we took advantage of the free sitter and had a post-third-child night out," Sullivan says. "We just went around the corner to a German restaurant and had a couple drinks, but it was really good to have some adult time."

Sullivan says they've done regular date nights since their first child was born, and she's usually in charge of planning them.

"If I left it to him, we'd go to a lot more movies," she says. "I like to go to more restaurants and bars so we have time to talk. It's really hard at home to have an uninterrupted conversation with my husband."

Stone says couples shouldn't get too hung up on who's planning the nights out but warns that one partner shouldering all the responsibility can lead to resentment.

"You don't need to over-engineer it," Stone says. "A little effort on both people's part makes a huge difference. Women always want to feel wooed and like you're worth the effort. And guys want to feel valued and not relegated to the sidelines after a baby is born."

And a willingness to accept reality never hurts.

"I'll always be in charge of date night, and he'll always be in charge of getting the oil changed," says Smith. "I have to be happy with the current situation. If not, I will be back to watching 'Barney' and having takeout pizza on Saturday nights."

———

HAVE A GREAT DATE

Don't feel guilty. "Your adult relationship is the linchpin of the family," she says. "To model a loving relationship and show kids that adults can have fun together and enjoy each other is one of the best things you can do for your children."

Don't talk shop. "Try to get through the entire meal without talking about the kids, the house or money," Stone says. Her suggested topics? "Is global warming a myth or a problem our kids have to deal with? What do you want to do before you die? What do you want your spouse to do for you before you die?"

———