‘Tween and Teen Girls Advice Column
Have an adolescent daughter? Work with teenish girls? Want some personal advice on tackling issues during the sometimes tumultuous teen years? Send your questions to Dr. Dellasega for valuable advice and answers.
Our 9 year old boy is a target for bullying. We want to prepare him now for jr. and sr. high school. He’s a secure child but doesn’t like confrontation. He tries to ignore bullies as they bug him. We’d like to teach him to face the bully and show that he’s not a target so they will move on. How can we help our 9 year old to face and deal with bullying?
I’d like to start my response by dispelling a stereotype: not every child can confront a bully, nor should they be expected to. It would be nice to have a “one size fits all” solution to problems such as bullying, but each child is so unique that there isn’t such a thing. For some, the notion of confronting a bully can be so terrifying it sets a child up for “failure” when he or she is unable to muster up the courage to speak up. In my work with many hundreds of girls, I’ve discovered that having a range of options is what works best.
Your son doesn’t like confrontation: can he talk out conflicts with you, or his friends? Step one would be to see if he can handle disagreements with those who aren’t adversaries, since they’re the people who he wants to keep in his life. Practicing the art of dialogue around disputes will help him to learn the difference between aggression (I win, you lose), passivity (You win, I lose), and assertiveness (we both win).
Then help him develop a proactive plan that he can use should the bullies begin to get to him, and his self esteem is threatened. For example, he should always follow the “Safe Place, Safe Person” rule, thinking about who are the people he can turn to in times of trouble, and where are places he can go when he feels unsafe? Another slogan Club Ophelia girls have come up with is the Walk-Talk-Tell: Walk away, Talk it out, and Tell someone who can help. (It works for both genders!)
Should your son decide he wants to learn how to positively confront his peers, practice role playing situations with him and have him be aware of subtleties such as his tone of voice and posture. Acting lessons are another strategy that help some children learn both poise and the ability to speak eloquently.