Measure the impact of Philly sports on your brain

With Michael Vick suffering a concussion in last Sunday's game, the Impact test has been the week's biggest sports discussion. According to most neurologists, the test, which measures a person's cognitive faculties and mental and memory skills, is an accurate predictor on whether the athlete's brain has sufficiently recovered from the concussion, making him OK to get banged around again in a pro football game.

Erin Snow, Bobby Clarke and Ryan Howard all hold a place in Philadelphia sports history. (Staff and AP Photos)Read more

by Mike Missanelli | Columnist

Published Sept. 25, 2011, 12:23 a.m. ET

Vick likely will be a go against the New York Giants.

There is another test of which we are familiar. It's called the Wonderlic Test. Employers use the Wonderlic (it was actually created by a psychologist named Wonderlic - Eldon P., to be exact) to measure aptitude for learning and problem-solving. NFL front office people use it on their prospective draft picks as a gauge on whether they'll be able to understand the plays, or something like that.

But what do we Philadelphia fans have?

I have decided to create a test specifically for us. I called it the Impact-less Wonder test, a 10-question exercise that demands our recall of totally useless Philadelphia sports information. Please select the answer that is most correct.

Here goes:

1. The Flyers haven't won a Stanley Cup since . . .

(a) 1492.

(b) 1942.

(d) 1975.

Technically, answer (c) is correct and it does sometimes seem as if Columbus discovered America more recently than the Flyers have won a Cup. But the most correct answer is (d). That's when Bernie and Bobby and Hound and Moose and Count and all of your beloved Broad Street Bullies were kings of the NHL as they beat the Buffalo Sabres to win their second straight Stanley Cup.

Flyers fan still zealously relive those glory days. (Who doesn't get misty-eyed when Lauren Hart does a duet with Video Kate Smith?)

Mr. Snider likes to remind us every now and then how the Flyers are always "in the hunt." Now that there's a salary cap, it's tougher to win. But for a large part of those 35 years, the Flyers were one of the top two or three wealthiest franchises in the league. With that kind of coin it seemed almost impossible not to win a championship. If the Yankees had gone that long between World Series championships, think they'd be kicking up a fuss in N.Y.C.?

2. The most upsetting recent Philadelphia sports result is . . .

(a) Michael Vick's getting a concussion against the Falcons.

(b) The Phillies losing a doubleheader and four straight to the Washington Nationals.

(d) The Phanatic's between-innings routine where he comes out without clothes as a streaker.

It all depends on your perspective, but if you answered (d) you wouldn't be wrong. Remind me to speak to the Phanatic's friend Tom Burgoyne to tell him that no one is particularly interested in seeing that.

3. The all-time most underappreciated Philadelphia athlete is . . .

(a) Ryan Howard

(b) Donovan McNabb

(d) Eric Snow

Bobby Abreu finished his Phillies career 13th all-time in batting average and eighth in home runs and RBIs, and he was third all-time in doubles, but his slug-like play in the outfield and lethargic clubhouse attitude was a cancer, so he can't be underappreciated.

For all the national perception that our fans mistreated McNabb, we still voted him the Eagles' best franchise quarterback, so how could Five be underappreciated?

Eric Snow was the quintessential team player, the glue that kept the 2001 Sixers together, and he also was Allen Iverson's chief confessor. But he just wasn't a good enough player.

Which leaves us with Ryan Howard, the slugger whose run production has been baseball historic, and who, like Mike Schmidt before him, will be likely be more appreciated once he's gone.

4. The Philadelphia athlete who most overvalued his presence with us was . . .

(a) Matt Geiger

(b) Jon Dorenbos

(d) David Akers

You've got to hand it to Dorenbos, who is only a long-snapper, but has fashioned another career as a sports headliner at nearly every city social scene.

Feeley paraded around the Eagles sidelines as if he were Joe Namath. Geiger had a 50-room mansion in Florida with a fireplace in every room, including the bathrooms, and commissioned limousines and bevies of beauties everywhere he went, but the basketball part of his life seemed an afterthought.

But the most correct answer here is (d). David Akers had a nice career as a kicker, but once he wasn't re-signed, did he really think we cared enough about him that he would buy a billboard on I-95 to thank his fans?

5. The most mentally unstable act ever done in Philadelphia or by a current Philadelphia athlete is . . .

(a) Nyjer Morgan's throwing a ball at a fan in the Citizens Bank Park section below Ashburn Alley.

(b) Chase Utley's allowing himself to get hit in the head with a blazing fastball.

(d) The fan who kept raising his shirt once he knew the home plate television camera was picking him up in the background.

A clear-cut winner - the choice is (d). What makes people go goofy when their buddy calls on the cell phone and tells them they're on TV? Did that guy really think we enjoyed seeing his hairy belly?

6. The Philadelphia sports figure who most makes females go dizzy is . . .

(a) Darren Daulton

(b) Jay Wright

(d) John Clark of NBC10.

The ladies loved Dutch when he played and now in retirement. Wright has dashing cover boy looks and rocks $2,000 suits to befit his image. Werth's scruffiness was a major hit with the female set.

But the correct answer is (d) John Clark. I once did a live Phillies postgame show with Clark in a sports bar. Every chick in the joint positioned herself to take cellphone photos of him. Meanwhile, I was big with the jersey-wearing, slightly inebriated male fan who yells, as we're on the air, "Yo, Mikey Miss! Are the Eagles going to win the Super Bowl?!"

Sometimes life isn't fair.

7. The best ex-Phillie player turned media analyst has turned out to be . . .

(a) John Kruk

(b) Mitch Williams

(d) Ricky Bottalico

As players, Kruk and Williams treated reporters as if they were bacterial spores. But they both have turned out to be very good baseball analysts for ESPN and the MLB Network, respectively. Coste is out because he's from North Dakota, which is close to Canada and he pronounces the word "out" as "ooot".

Answer: (d). Bottalico works for a competing Phillies postgame show, and while that show isn't as good as the one on PHL17 (what else am I supposed to say?), Bottalico is really good. Now if he would only retire that bright red button-down shirt he wears with that bad tie.

8. The 76ers flop who will live in infamy is . . .

(a) Shawn Bradley

(b) Roy Hinson

(d) Charles Shackleford

There is no competition here. The correct answer is (d).

Charles Barkley tells this story about the time the Sixers were really struggling and team owner Harold Katz summoned all players to sit on stools in the middle of the locker room for a lecture in which Katz asked the players, one by one, to assess what was wrong with the team. After a couple of stock answers such as they weren't rebounding or they weren't defending hard enough or they weren't sharing the ball, Barkley got up, pointed to Shackleford and said, "We're losing because you suck!" Shack got up and charged Sir Charles, who was forced to defend himself with his stool.

9. The best Philadelphia sports acquisition ever was . . .

(a) Cliff Lee

(b) Bake McBride

(d) Roy Halladay

If I can be serious for just one moment, nobody has been better than Halladay.

Lee has been wonderful. He was a great postseason pitcher for the Phils during the 2009 World Series. McBride was a brilliant Paul Owens acquisition in 1980 and fueled the Phils run to the 1980 championship. Pence is a delight.

But Roy Halladay? Whew.

I love the fact that the man simply detests any hitter he faces. I love when he beats himself up for walking a guy late in the game even when he has like a seven-run lead. I love when he eyeballs a hitter for having the audacity to question the umpire's called strike after a perfect cutter paints the outside of the plate.

10. The worst Philadelphia sports acquisition ever was . . .

(a) Ray Emery

(b) Adam Eaton

(d) Lorenzo Booker

Baez was at least a confidant to Jose Contreras, who really was an important player. Booker was apparently oblivious to his lack of ability. After two years of Booker's nonperformance, the Eagles - who touted Booker as the perfect complement to Brian Westbrook - finally gave up and drafted another running back. Lorenzo dared the new guy to take his job, as if the new guy couldn't. Injuries deprived us of seeing how awful Emery really was.

But the correct answer has to be (b) Adam Eaton, a colossal bust who actually had the guts to come back to Citizen Bank Park during a day game for an on-field ceremony where Phillies players were given their World Series rings - a World Series on which Eaton had no positive impact whatsoever. Some people have no shame.

So there it is, the first annual Impact-less Wonder Test. If you got five correct, you have passed the mental hurdle it takes to be a Philadelphia fan. If you got 10 right, you need to get a life.