Sports Christmas Carols: Sam the Fraud, Phillies hell and Tom Brady's balls
Each holiday season, Frank pens a few tongue-in-cheek odes to the year's top sports stories. Here's what inspired him in 2015. Well, maybe "inspired" is the wrong word, but you get the idea.
Each holiday season, Frank pens a few tongue-in-cheek odes to the year's top sports stories. Here's what inspired him in 2015.
Well, maybe "inspired" is the wrong word, but you get the idea.
"NUTTIN' IN BASEBALL"
(Pete Rose's Lament, sung to "Nuttin' for Christmas")
"I laid a dime on the Reds I led.
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I bet the Yanks and beat the spread.
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I owed 8 Gs to the local book.
"I used a beard who was a crook.
"Doubled-down to get off the hook.
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I can't do nuttin' in baseball.
"Manfred, that new guy, is mad.
"I can't do nuttin' in baseball.
"'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.
"I backed some dogs and a little chalk.
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I never knew them rats would squawk.
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I told the press it was all a blunder.
"Then went out and bet the under.
"How many points will they give the Thunder?
"Somebody snitched on me.
"I can't do nuttin' in baseball.
"Manfred, the new guy, is mad.
"I can't do nuttin' in baseball.
"'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad."
"SAM THE FRAUD IS CONNING THIS TOWN"
(Sung to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
"You really can't look.
"You really don't care.
"The Sixers just stink.
"Their GM's a square.
"Sam the Fraud is conning this town.
"He's collating stats.
"He's checking them twice.
"But no matter his pick
"A knee must be sliced.
"Sam the Fraud is conning this town.
"He sees his Sixers tanking.
"He knows the crowds are lame.
"He knows they've gone from bad to worse.
"So they might not win five games.
"Oh, you really can't look.
"You really don't care.
"The Sixers just stink.
"Their GM's a square.
"Sam the Fraud is conning this town."
"CHECK THE BALLS"
(Sung to "Deck the Halls")
"Check the balls Tom Brady handles.
"Fa la la la la la la la la.
"'Tis one more New England scandal.
"Fa la la la la la la la la.
"He prefers deflated pigskin.
"Fa la la la la la la la la
"When he's caught, we get the big spin.
"Fa la la la la la la la la.
"Smug, conceited, condescending.
"Fa la la la la la la la la.
"Can't the league stop his rule-bending?
"Fa la la la la la la la la."
"GOT OURSELVES A MURRAY WHO'S BEEN LISTLESS"
(Sung to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")
"Got ourselves a Murray who's been listless.
" 'Cept for when he flies.
"From Day 1 we've wondered if he really tries.
"Got ourselves a Murray who's been listless.
"He's got Lurie's ear.
"How long will it be before he disappears?
"Here we are with no running game.
"And it's him we blame, for sure.
"Forty mill in his bank account.
"And he's running for - the door.
"Through our tears we'll watch him stopped for no gain.
"'Cause he can't go wide.
"In a tight spot, he'll go down with just a slide.
"And we got ourselves a Murray who's been listless now."
"SILENT NIGHT, ZERO FIGHTS"
(A Flyers fan's lament, sung to "Silent Night")
"Silent night. Zero fights.
"Land a bomb! Throw a right!
"Pound yon Ranger, Penguin or Wing!
"Holy cow, how I long for a swing.
"Leap someone in the crease!
"Leap someone in the crease!
"Silent night. Zero fights.
"Fractures, bruises, my delight!
"Gory scenes when two hulking goons spar.
"Where's the brawls that gave Hammer his scars?
"Nice behavior's a bore!
"Nice behavior's a bore!"
"PHILLIES HELL"
(Sung to "Silver Bells")
"City sadness. No more gladness.
"Through the summer these days.
"In the air there's a feeling of bleakness.
"Stars are traded, hopes are faded.
"What's become of the craze?
"And on every street corner you hear:
"Phillies hell! Phillies hell!
"When will I wake from this nightmare?
"Pitching's weak.
"Hitting's meek.
"Can't we postpone opening day?
"Strings of losses, all new bosses.
"Will they ever compete?
"On their roster, I recognize no one.
"Ryan Howard. Has no power.
"It's just torture each day.
"How I wish it were 2008.
"Phillies hell! Phillies hell!
"When will I wake from this nightmare?
"Pitching's weak.
"Hitting's meek.
"Can't we postpone opening day?
"I REALLY MISS MUHAMMAD ALI"
(Sung to "Mistletoes and Holly")
"Oh, by gosh, by golly
"I really miss Muhammad Ali.
"Beating Sonny. Rhyming funny.
"Butterflies and bees.
"Oh, by gosh, by jingle.
"This boxing doesn't make me tingle.
"Pay-per-view fights start at midnight.
"Promoters dripping sleaze.
"When there's a big fight,
"I often don't know who's who.
"Then there's a quick right
"And it's done after 1:02.
"Oh, by gosh, by golly.
"I really miss Muhammad Ali.
"Beating Sonny. Rhyming funny.
"Butterflies and bees."