Gonzo: For Andy, a little friendly advice

Dear Andy Reid,

Have you watched SportsCenter lately? The Memphis Tigers just axed their football coach - some guy named Tommy West. You should have heard his post-firing news conference. You would have loved it.

"You've got to find a way to get the negative surrounding this thing out of it," West said, talking about the fan and media environment that envelops the team down there. "I don't know how you do it. I don't know if you can do it. But you got to do that.

"Instead of writing the sarcastic, smart-aleck-remark articles, why not call me and ask me: 'Coach, what can I do to help your football program? We love this city. We love this football program. How can I help it?' Instead of running it down all the time - when it doesn't go exactly right, running it down."

Pretty amazing, right? Tell me you haven't had similar thoughts for the last 11 seasons. Negative atmosphere? Smart-aleck articles? Running the coach and the team down when things don't go exactly right? Mercy. It's as if he looked inside your soul.

Let's be honest: When things don't go well, this city can't wait to rip you. We love to make fun of the way you struggle with clock management and challenge flags, and especially of your untreated allergy to the running game. Then you went out and got Michael Vick and put together this whole Wildcat package thing, which was a pretty bad move if you were hoping people would ease up.

But, hey, this West character is onto something. He's tired of sarcastic stories (these tabloids today, you know?) and he wants journos to call and ask how they can help.

Sadly, you don't pick up the phone anymore when Page 2 is on the line, but we want to aid you, anyway.

Your Eagles are 5-3 and still have a good shot to win the division and make a deep push in the playoffs. Five friendly suggestions, then, to help your team do just that:

1. Put the Wildcat down for good. It's time to put the beast out of its misery.

2. Run the ball. Please.

3. Use DeSean Jackson more. You remember him, don't you? Small guy with crazy speed? Dallas did a good job taking him away - but so did you. Only five targets, Andy? That's all? He's your best offensive weapon. If he isn't getting double-digit touches, something's wrong. Besides, he just hired Drew Rosenhaus. It's in your best interest to keep him happy. No one wants another driveway workout/news conference.

4. Teach Asante Samuel how to wrap up people. Every time he waves at a receiver and misses an arm tackle, an angel dies.

5. Hire someone to manage the clock. You're good at a lot of things, but time-outs and getting plays in promptly aren't among them. You need someone to stand over your shoulder and whack you with a rolled-up newspaper (not The Inquirer) whenever you're about to waste a time-out for no apparent reason or you're slow to pick a course of action. I have at least five friends who are out of work and would do it for cheap. Think of it as a public service - you'd help lower the unemployment rate. Since Jeffrey Lurie is all about using the Eagles as a device for social betterment, your boss will love it.

You're welcome. Now get moving.

Sincerely,

Page 2

Watching the Giants lose to the Chargers last week was wonderful. Watching Brandon Jacobs scuttle my fantasy hopes wasn't so hot. It's a crazy, mixed-up world.

Start

QB: Brett Favre, Tony Romo, Kurt Warner.

RB: Pierre Thomas, Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams.

WR: Sidney Rice, Derrick Mason, Steve Breaston.

TE: Brent Celek, Jeremy Shockey, Greg Olsen.

Bench

QB: Carson Palmer, Matt Cassel, David Garrard.

RB: Julius Jones, Knowshon Moreno, Cadillac Williams.

WR: Terrell Owens, Santana Moss, Roy Williams.

TE: Fred Davis, Ben Watson, Brandon Pettigrew.

Sunday Sixer

(Home team in caps.)

Last week: 0-6

Season: 24-22-2

PACKERS +3 over Cowboys: Like Green Bay, I'm coming off a tough week - 0-6 is dreadful. Don't remind me - my buddy Flan already mocked me via text message. Today, the cheeseheads and I bounce back. Or something. Proceed with caution.

Falcons -11/2 over PANTHERS: Watched the ESPN 30 for 30 about Jimmy the Greek the other night. The Greek always said he never worried about cold streaks. Of course, he was eventually disgraced and died penniless and largely alone. So . . .

Bengals +7 over STEELERS: I nearly spit up the other night when one of the characters on The League did Chad Ochocinco's "child please" thing. Love that show.

Broncos -31/2 over 'SKINS: If mini-Bill Belichick can't get his team right against the hapless Redskins, this will be the last time I ride with Denver.

Saints -131/2 over RAMS: Lots of road favorites in today's "Sunday Sixer." That usually portends disaster. But I can't go 0-6 again, right? Exactly. Nothing to worry about. Chin up and all that.

Eagles -2 over CHARGERS: It's just a short drive to Tijuana from San Diego. If the Birds lose this one, they should check with Mexican authorities about seeking asylum.