Holiday favorites roasted to a golden turn

1

"KNOCKIN' AROUND ON TWO BAD KNEES"

(Sung to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree")

Knockin' around on two bad knees,

I'm the Sixers' latest flop.

Bruises appear where none can see,

I'm the bust the Lakers swapped.

Knockin' around on two bad knees,

I'm Jeff Ruland for this age.

May play six games just as a tease,

Then collect my handsome wage.

You'll soon get an urge to see old Iggy reappear.

Once you had an all-star playing,

Now you're stuck with two joints fraying.

Knockin' around on two bad knees,

I'm the Sixers' giant flop.

Bruises appear where none can see,

I'm the bust the Lakers swapped.

2

"LET HIM GO"

(Sung to "Let it Snow")

Though their season has been just frightful,

Canning Reid would be delightful.

So before the Birds hit new lows,

Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

Since he doesn't show signs of stopping,

And assistants he keeps dropping.

Cut your losses and eat your dough,

Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

Can we finally say goodbye

To a coach who did little but linger?

Can the Eagles please find a guy

Who'll put Super Bowl rings on their fingers?

Though their season has been just frightful,

Canning Reid would be delightful.

So before the Birds hit new lows,

Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

3

"RUIZ DID A BAD"

(Sung to "Feliz Navidad")

Ruiz did a bad,

Ruiz did a bad,

Ruiz did a bad,

The Phillies catcher's a cheating cad.

Ruiz did a bad,

Ruiz did a bad,

Ruiz did a bad,

The Phillies catcher's a cheating cad.

They've got to sit Chooch to start the season.

They've got to sit Chooch to start the season.

They've got to sit Chooch to start the season.

Hello, bottom of the league.

4

("THEY'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS")

(Sung to "I'll be Home for Christmas")

They'll be home for Christmas.

You can count on that.

They'll get slow and spend their dough,

And put on pounds of fat.

Christmas Eve won't find them

Where the blue light gleams.

They'll be home for Christmas

Thanks to Bettman's schemes.

5

"DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE PLAY?"

(Sung to "Do You Hear What I Hear?")

Said Jim Boeheim to Pitino and Jay Wright,

Do you know where we play?

The ACC? Big Ten? Or Isle of Wight?

Do you know where we play?

A farce, a farce.

A league left in debris.

TV millions but no dignity.

TV millions but no dignity.

Said the Temple Owl to the Rutgers Knight,

Hey, where did my league go?

Have you seen the Big East, Rutgers Knight?

Hey, where did my league go?

A joke, a joke.

Chaos, envy, greed.

It's a Big Beast that money must feed.

It's a Big Beast that money must feed.

6

"GOD REST YE FOGGY GENTLEMEN"

(Sung to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

God rest ye foggy, gentlemen,

We cannot let you play.

Remember all those legal suits

For which we'll have to pay.

To save us all from federal court

You've got to sit today.

O tidings of Mike Vick and McCoy

Vick and McCoy.

O tidings of Mike Vick and McCoy

It's football and it's hockey

This blasted scourge befalls.

And now within a courtroom

Will come the judge's call.

So we must wait in mortal fear

And pray our lawyers stall.

O tidings of Mike Vick and McCoy.

Vick and McCoy.

O tidings of Mike Vick and McCoy.

7

"HARK, THE L.A. ANGELS SPEND

(Sung to "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")

Hark! the L.A. Angels spend.

Baseball logic they transcend.

Josh and Albert, Zach and Joe,

Man, they've got a lot of dough.

"Stop it!" all their rivals whine,

"You've destroyed our bottom line."

With the lineup they have bought,

Others' hopes are all for naught.

Hark! the L.A. Angels spend.

Baseball logic they transcend.

8

"HECK, THE BALLS ARE SUCH A FOLLY"

(Sung to "Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly")

Heck, the balls are such a folly.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

Made to travel here to Bali.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

Once 250 was a good poke.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

In this era, that's a girl's stroke.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

See golf records fall before us.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

Looks so easy, that it bores us.

Far-long-long-long-long long-long-long-long.

9

"OR PLAY TILL HIS DEMISE?"

(Sung to "Auld Lang Syne")

Should an old first baseman play so rotten,

And get no RBIs?

Should that first baseman be forgotten,

Or play till his demise?

Or play till his demise, my dear,

Or play till his demise?

Next time you down a cup of Yuengling ask,

If that would be so wise.

Should an old first baseman have two bad feet,

That often keep him benched?

Should that first baseman take a backseat,

Or should he stay entrenched?

Or play till his demise, my dear?

Or play till his demise?

Next time you down a cup of Yuengling ask,

If that would be so wise.