Saturday, Harriton High School in Rosemont hosted a massive sale of Andy Reid's final possessions in the Philadelphia area.
It was a helpful fundraiser for the school, and easier than driving to the dump for Reid.
With $100 in my pocket, I headed into the suburbs, intent on reemerging with a plastic bag full of Andy Reid's weirdest crap.
I found it.
The closest connection between Reid and the Webelos I could find is this official paper work on a teenager who happens to be named Andrew Reid reaching the level of Eagle Scout. What a proud day.
The Drexel Ecology hat is technically a throwback, as Drexel Ecology has shifted away from the "lurching turtle" motif and moved in a more "two turtles rowing a canoe away from a larger, more ferocious turtle" direction.
The final connection between these organizations and Reid is that they apparently were lying around in his house somewhere, until somebody decided an Eagles fan or autograph collector would pay good money for it, and wouldn't take "Really? This too?" for an answer.
"Oooh, you got the purse!" one lady exclaimed, peeping the cigar box with a band of beads glued to it through the plastic bag in my hand.
Apparently one of the more coveted items at the sale, this apparent "purse" has a multitude of uses, such as confusing your friends, confusing your girlfriend, confusing your family after showing up late for a Mother's Day cookout, or containing your cigars/most horrible secrets.
Featuring working latches and a small interior mirror for the cigar purse afficionado/fashionista on the go, this original gem is sure to attract attention.
But that's not all!
A simple 180 degree turn will reveal that this is no ordinary cigar box with a beaded handle; this is Eagles merchandise - an aspect about which the Eagles have limitless, unconfirmed enthusiasm.
I'm no fashion expert, but I assume Crocs are as cool as they ever were, which is pretty cool indeed.
Depending on the style, color, or material, a good pair of lady's Crocs can run you anywhere from $30-$70. Organizers astutely took this into account when pricing items, making these just affordable enough to be a bargain.
Though if you use the logic introduced by the pricing of autographed hats ($10) vs. unsigned hats ($15), then Reid's signature actually takes the cost down five dollars. So these are merely meeting the market price on "lady's Crocs with Andy Reid's name scribbled on them."
Not a good enough bargain for anyone before me, but a bargain all the same.
I don't know if there'a faster way to ruin the holidays than by stringing together twelve dead-eyed plastic heads and trying to convince your family they're a "decoration."
They could have just made these Eagles helmets. Somebody who loves the Eagles enough to incorporate them into their holiday celebrations would see a string of small, light-up helmets and get just as excited about them.
But they went out of their way to make sure you know these are men's heads, strung together and electrified. Their soulless eyes stare at you, unblinking, as your family gleefully opens presents and eats dinner.
Do they beg for life? Envy the dead? We will never know. One thing, however, is certain: They will always be watching.
CHRISTMAS IS RUINED.
"Is there only one of these?" The woman ringing me up asked, as if purchasing a solitary soiled child's glove in a high school gymnasium is suddenly abnormal.