Gonzo: Tiger easily handles media swarm

AUGUSTA, Ga. - The media masses swarmed Augusta National Golf Club on Monday. Some reporters managed to hide their hunger, though many arrived in full froth, salivating at the prospect of grilling Tiger Woods over a hot and very public flame before - if all went well and according to plan - consuming what was left of his flesh in time to meet deadlines.

Mmm. Nothing sates the appetite like a disgraced celebrity. Pass the salt.

It's surprising Masters chairman Billy Payne didn't instruct his green-jacketed henchmen to hide the good silverware.

Before Woods answered questions in his first open, free-form news conference since taking an indefinite leave of absence from the sport, the press room buzzed with anticipation. As reporters waited in line to enter the interview room - one ticket per media outlet, stand single file, no cutting, no backsies - a high-profile journo from USA Today who shall remain nameless (OK, fine, you got it out of me; it was Christine Brennan) announced quite loudly and for everyone to hear that "This is bigger than Tonya Harding."

Maybe she expected someone with a wrench and a ski mask to come out of nowhere and kneecap unsuspecting Steve Williams near Amen Corner. Who knows? Here's what's certain: Those who hoped for a Siegfried and Roy spectacle and a crazy show left grossly disappointed by the fact that Tiger was pretty tame.

Woods didn't weep or lash out, and he seemed far more comfortable than he did during the choreographed, no-questions, nothing-to-see-here-move-

along statement he issued on national TV from TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., back in late February. He sat calmly behind the microphone - clad in a pink-gray-and-white-striped golf shirt, gray pants and a white Nike golf hat - and smiled at points. He even attempted a (bad) joke.

"Do you want me to answer the first part or the second part?" Woods asked with a smirk that earned courtesy laughs after a particularly lengthy query. "You did a long-winded one, Bro."

Woods was asked all the pertinent questions and easily deflected most of them. He denied taking human growth hormone or performance enhancing drugs. He said he received five stitches in his lip and had a "pretty sore neck" after the November fender-bender outside his Florida home. He revealed his wife, Elin, won't be joining him in Augusta this week while he attempts to claim his fifth Masters title and 15th major championship. He admitted that he's had trouble controlling his emotions in the past - particularly when it comes to camera-clicking galleries and the meddlesome media - and vowed to "tone down" his negative outbursts. He reiterated that he made some bad decisions that hurt his wife and his family, though he wouldn't expressly state what kind of rehab he entered in Hattiesburg, Miss., before the New Year. (Some things are hard to say out loud, I guess.) And, for you groovy spiritual cats out there, Woods said he's gotten back into meditation.

Ohm. Ohm. Oh. . .

Oh. What? Sorry. Nodded off there for a while. The whole Chi thing always makes me sleepy.

With a few exceptions, it was mostly been-there, addressed-that stuff. Not a single inappropriate, made-for-TMZ question was asked.

Shortly after Woods wrapped up the 34-minute interview, Joslyn James, an adult film star and one of the golfer's alleged paramours, held court in New York and told a pack of reporters that she thinks "he's still a big, fat liar." It appears Woods certainly was before, and maybe he remains one now.

Either way, holding the news conferences independently was a mistake. Getting those two crazy kids back together this week might have given the heavily-starched Augusta establishment heart arrhythmias, but it also would have made for a far more entertaining day for everyone involved. Particularly me.

The most touching, sincere-sounding moment came when Woods admitted he'll have to sit his children down after they get older and wade back into the muck and mess he created when they were younger and innocent and oblivious.

"My kids, going forward, are going to have to - I'm going to have to explain all this to them," he said, the words slipping ever-so-slowly and carefully from a mouth now framed by the outlines of a wispy goatee.

As they're fond of saying around here, his was a tradition unlike any other - and one day his children will ask about it. He'll be forced to look them in the eye and tell them about the sext messages and the Perkins waitress (allegedly) and all the other sordid, shady things dear old Dad did behind poor old Mom's back.

Kids, Daddy used to know a lady named Joslyn James. She danced at the Pink Pony. What's that? No, you absolutely cannot have a pink pony.

I don't envy him. That will be an uncomfortable conversation - much harder and more awkward than anything he endured Monday.