Stu: Phils-Dodgers as a gang war

JUST LIKE last year, the Los Angeles Dodgers are a speed bump in the road between Philadelphia and Destiny.

Just like last year, it's Philadelphia vs. Los Angeles, the Phillies fightin' the Dodgers, Red against Blue to earn a berth in the World Series. To put this in terms Los Angelenos can comprehend, it's Bloods vs. the Crips.

We're red, the Bloods. The Dodgers are blue, the Crips.

An explanation for Philadelphians: The Crips and the Bloods are two mammoth street gangs born in L.A. The Crips, whose signature color is blue, are larger, with an estimated 30,000-35,000 members. Bloods, clad in red, are fewer, but are more violent. Both have branches throughout the U.S. and are composed of cold, conscienceless criminals who deal drugs and have lots of tattoos. They're like Hells Angels without wheels.

An editor here - yes, we do have them, and yes, I do speak with (a few of) them - cautioned me not to make light of street gangs. We know almost all gangbangers are ticketed for an early grave or a cozy jail cell. They're gangbangers when they're young, grocery baggers when they're old because they have no useful trade.

End of public-service announcement.

The Dodger Crips, should we fear them?

A little.

They have a tequila- strong lineup, but their starting pitching is light beer.

Basically, Dodger Crips are a bunch of Porsche-driving, starlet-chasing, cocaine-sniffing, surfboard-waxing, Armani-wearing, spritzer-drinking, sunshine-soaking, tofu-eating, leg-hair-waxing, sunglasses-wearing weinies.

Our Phillies Bloods have it going on.

We have a rock-solid batting order that has even the No. 7 and 8 slots coming up big when needed. Even better, Feliz and Ruiz - they rhyme! With openers like Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee, we show our knuckles. And our closers? Br-r-r-ad

L-l-lidge is l-l-l-looking g-g-g-good. (Gulp.) Brett Myers got three hits and three RBI in last year's Game 2 against the Crips.

Our Boys of Summer are Chevy-driving, ball-shagging, cheesesteak-chomping, beer-drinking, Phanatic-hugging, face-unshaving, charity-supporting, hard-playing, easy-laughing good guys you'd love to have for neighbors.

Since we Bloods knocked the Crips out of the playoffs last year, they're looking for payback, which can provide incentive, but sometimes drives you to try too hard, like reality-show wannabe Rod Blagojevich.

Typically, L.A. fans arrive in the third inning (hard to leave the beach, dude) and slip away in the seventh (hate that Freeway traffic) and are semicomatose the short time they are in the stands. They save their energy for random road-rage shootings driving home on I-5.

If you want to see how Dodger fans view the playoffs, here are a few selected tweets from Twitter (no editing changes made):

Artieloc typed, "world wide support 4 da LOS ANGELES DODGERS!! Time 2 get sum PAYBACK! beat Philly go to World Series!"

Care to buy some punctuation, Artie?

Onelifetolive62 is another genius: "THA SANKEES WILL LOSE TOO! LOS ANGELES ANGELS AND DODGERS LET'S GOO!! IT TIME FOR A "FREEWAY SERIES" IN LA CALI. YA DIGG DIGG . . . "

Yes, let's goo do it!

The idea of a West Coast series also took hold with TheRealBlakeHo: "Krispy Kremes, coffee, & SportsCenter . . id like to see Los Angeles Angels vs Los Angeles Dodgers in the world series . . LA vs LA would be . . . COOL."

Are we going to lose to these nitwits?

E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns: http://go.philly.com/byko.