Remember when Randall Cunningham had his own candy bar? The wrapper featured a picture of him holding a football, along with a line about "scrambled" peanuts, caramel, and milk chocolate.
That was an obvious and not-so-clever marketing ploy. This is better: A Dominican company is selling Ron Mexico Cigars. (For the uninformed, "Ron Mexico" is an alias Michael Vick sometimes used when he wanted privacy.)
The product, according to Cigarsinternational.com, is an "unremarkable, mild, mellow-smoking, knockaround [sic] handmade." It's also "cheap" and has "a band with a dude dressed incognito, cigar in mouth, striking a Heisman pose." Vick, to the best of my memory, never did the Heisman pose, but that's sort of beside the point.
Just as Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons slapped his name on all sorts of inferior merchandise - everything from Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel ("9 out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference") to the Krusty Brand Alarm Clock ("gets extremely hot when plugged in") - this could be a huge opportunity for Vick to make some quick money on the side by lending his nickname to a host of products.
Think of the possibilities: Ron Mexico dog collars, orange jumpsuits, and tunneling shovels. Ron Mexico soap on a rope, toilet wine, and shivs. Ron Mexico sleeveless T's for prison yard fights on hot summer days. Ron Mexico cakes - now with 100 percent more nail files.
Vick should act now. He's just one of several athletes and coaches who could benefit financially by capitalizing on their good (?) names. In fact, Page 2 has learned that all sorts of past and present Philadelphia figures are already selling sundry wares:
Mick Billmeyer Spy Gear: From telescopes that can see the target two states away, to listening devices so finely tuned you'll hear information even if the sound is muffled by a glove over the pitcher's face. Mick Billmeyer Spy Gear is the best in the business. CIA tested, G. Gordon Liddy approved.
Kevin Kolb Bowie Knives: Nothing kills giant wild hogs like a Double-K 9.5-inch stainless steel blade. The three little pigs can make their houses out of whatever they want - they won't stand a chance.
Donovan McNabb Hallmark Cards: When you care to send the very best - and apologize to people who hated you for reasons they think are valid but really aren't.
Rick Tocchet's Tout Service: Stone. Cold. Lead. Pipe. Locks. Of. The. Century. Don't. Tell. The. Feds.
Ryan Madson Folding Chairs: Made from industrial- strength metal, our folding chairs will withstand the hardest ill-timed kicks your brittle human feet can deliver.
Jamie Moyer Icy Hot and Nap-Time Snuggies: Chill in the air? Back giving you trouble? Knee acting up because of the storm front closing in? Try Jamie Moyer Icy Hot and Nap-Time Snuggies. Nothing relieves muscle pain or gets you ready for the early bird special at Perkins Pancake House like our products. (Sold separately.)
Donovan McNabb Ankle Gloves: From the makers of Donovan McNabb Hallmark Cards: When the football is fired 90 miles an hour at your shins, only one brand of ankle gloves will do.
The Allen Iverson Human Resources and Attendance Policy Handbook (on tape): We're talking 'bout hostile work environments?
Lenny Dykstra Investments: What's that? Nails actually tried this? And people went for it? America is a crazy country.
DeSean Jackson's Driveway Workout Weights: This product is still being developed. Release date scheduled for late 2011 or early 2012. Drew Rosenhaus, reporters, and microphones for makeshift news conferences not included.
Gov. Ed Rendell Flak Jacket: After telling a highly trafficked website that you plan to root for Donovan McNabb and the Washington Redskins in the playoffs, you'll need the best armor money can buy. Our patented technology will keep you safe from snowballs hurled at point-blank range and batteries bombed from the upper reaches of a stadium.
Chris Wheeler Dance Apparel: The next time your favorite team wins a championship and you get carried away by the moment, you'll need full range of motion. Our comfortable jackets and roomy pants are great for doing the windmill, running man, robot, or whatever spaz-tastic spontaneous dance moves you choose. (Cargo shorts feature a pill pocket for your seizure medication.)
Hank Baskett Ear Plugs and Eye Shades: Nothing shuts out the world - or those loudmouth locker-room louts - better when people find out your wife is in a sex video.
Sixers-Approved Liquid Paper: Sometimes you draw up a contract - or several - you wish you could forget. Erase those hastily made mistakes without leaving a trace.
Eagles-Approved Back Brace: When bending over backward to explain how Philadelphia is still a football town, lower lumbar support is an absolute must.
Darren Daulton's "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus": "For real. I've been to both."