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Red Sox' Ortiz peeved at offseason drug-testing

David Ortiz recounts encounter in which he was tested at 7:30 a.m. in the Dominican Republic.

THE RED SOX' David Ortiz wrote an entertaining piece for the Players' Tribune, the website run by former Yankees great Derek Jeter.

Ortiz, who is listed as "editor at large," gave a first-person account of being tracked down and tested for performance-enhancing drugs during the offseason.

"I was ready to shoot somebody, man. Literally," writes Ortiz. "I was sleeping at my house in the Dominican this winter when I heard a banging on my front door at 7:30 in the morning. Now, I got security. My kids and family are sleeping in the house. I wasn't expecting anyone. Who in the hell is banging on my door? I come down the stairs yelling, like, "Who the [bleep] is there?

"I look on the security camera by the door and it's two American guys holding briefcases. I could tell by the way they looked what was in the briefcases. Pee cups and big needles.

"MLB sent them down on a little vacation to my island. What a job. So I open the door.

" 'Sorry for the interruption, but we need to take some samples.' "

"I'm looking at these guys like, '7:30 in the morning? Really, bro?' So the guys come in with their equipment and start taking my blood in the kitchen . . . The one guy is sticking me with the needle while the other one is shooting the [bleep] with me, telling me he's from Colorado . . . 'Let me tell you something,' I say. 'The only thing you're going to find in my blood is rice and beans.' "

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He's write smart

Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel knows more about numbers than hut 1, hut 2, hut 3.

The former Penn State guard, who has a master's degree in math, recently tweeted that he co-authored a paper that was published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.

The title is "Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector."

Not exactly light reading.