As avid readers and culturally aware citizens, I'm sure you've heard by now that Philadelphia has tossed it's flat-brimmed hat into the ring for a chance to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. This could be amazing. Just think: international cheesesteak b-roll, limitless possibilities. The Japanese table tennis team sprinting the art museum steps and striking Rocky poses, paddles in outstretched hand. The Italian delegate visiting the Italian Market, buying gabagool by the fistful! Spectacularly bad television could ensue. Can SEPTA even handle the Olympics? I seem to recall just taking the Tasker Street bus to high school being an issue. Wait... I've gone astray.
Yes, the Olympics. Philadelphia. Dare to dream, kids. As did I, in coming up with The Phillies as 2024 Olympic Athletes/Events.
Ben Revere is the super-excited tiny weightlifter: You look at these guys and think, there's no way they should be out there doing this; he's going to get crushed by that bar. But then he pulls it off (well, relative to his inherent physical limitations) and you're kind of impressed. Then he erupts into an adorable celebration and flashes that smile and you're all, "awwwwww, that was fun. The Olympics are great!"
Shane Victorino is a ping pong player: Okay I'm totally cheating here-- I know Shane is a Red Sox now. That said, penguin don't care, because this sport is the single most perfect metaphor for Shane Victorino (not counting the last time I did this). It's just "Ready, set, GO!: PINGPINGPINGINGPINGPINGOHMYGODDIDYOUSEETHATPINGPINGHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAH
Jonathan Papelbon is a judo guy: "Bro quick tip don't get caught by my spinning heel kick or you're going to sleep. Night night."
Domonic Brown is the basketball player who isn't really all that good but is on the team just for his ability to posterize some eastern bloc scrub:
This guy, loaded with potential, but more often than not a fundamental mess. He has all the tools, but the results haven't quite been there yet on the playing surface. Nevertheless, he made the Olympic roster partially on hype and partially on hope, but mostly on his uncanny ability to throw a vicious tomahawk down while hurdling a 6'9" Serbian.
Chase Utley is the stud swimmer who captures America and dominates everyone and looks so good shirtless that your wife actually stops looking at Pinterest on her iPhone 5 when he's on TV: Wait what. Okay, moving on...
Delmon Young is the guy from an enemy nation you want to root for because you're swept up in the spirit of togetherness but you're not quite sure: This one's kind of self-explanatory.
Laynce Nix is a kayaker: Your instinctive reaction when kayaking comes on is, "Dude, this is going to be awesome! That donkey may get trapped under water and bash his head on a rock!" It just looks right. Well, the same thing when Laynce Nix comes to bat. For a split second, before you realize what's happening and who that is, you think, "Dude look at that guy he's going to hit the ball 500 feet!"
Kyle Kendrick is that badminton match that unexpectedly got your heart racing: Perhaps the perfect inverse of Nix, Kendrick is the guy you (okay, I may be projecting here) desperately want to hate on, but often find ways to be surprised and, dare I say, even delighted, by. At first glance you're expecting the event to be a total bore. I mean, you play badminton at picnics, how hard could it be?
Then OUT OF NOWHERE, some 5'6" teenager leaps 14 feet into the air and smashes the shuttlecock down for what seems like an easy kill, but he's immediately thwarted by a diving opponent with a ridiculous backhand save, and, before you know it, you're emotionally invested in something you couldn't have foreseen ever being attached to. You try to hide your enthusiasm from your friends and neighbors, but they can tell what's going on. And they, too, are drawn in. It's all quite embarrassing.
Chad Durbin is the hurdler who falls: It's mean of you to laugh. And in all honesty you're in no position to judge because this guy's at the peak level of international competition and you're on your couch eating Chipotle, but none of that changes the fact that it's still hilarious when he fails spectacularly.
Ryan Howard is Olympic baseball: It's been largely missing since 2012, and no one is really sure if or when it might be coming back, or what form it will be in when it gets here. If it ever returns at all. I mean, 2024 is a long ways away, you know? But there are still Olympic contracts and obligations in place until then, so there's at least a small hope that it might return. But who knows. It's all pretty sad, but there's always hope.
Ruben Amaro, Jr is Equestrian: Unnecessarily smug, incredibly elitist, and possibly very dumb (OH SNAP! Don't be mad Ruben baby I'm just joking gotta sell that punch line you know how it is).
Roy Halladay is the men's all-around champion: Duh, naturally.