Best sports city: Philadelphia, No. 2. Chicago, No. 4: Don't take our word for it. Those are the 2009 Sporting News rankings. Pittsburgh's No. 1 ranking might have been clubbed away by Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
Most notorious mobster: Philadelphia, Nicky Scarfo. Chicago, Al Capone: If Chicago is so great, how come Capone spent so much time at Eastern State Penitentiary on Fairmount Avenue?
Most notorious fire: Philadelhia, MOVE, 1985. Chicago, Mrs. O'Leary's cow, 1871: The cow story was a ruse, but the fire in 1871 destroyed about four square miles of the city.
Name means: Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love, Chicago, Wild Onion: Wild Onion is a derivative of a Native American word. Goes best on a cheesesteak.
Best athlete: Philadelphia, Wilt Chamberlain. Chicago, Donovan McNabb: Chicago's gift of McNabb nearly washes out the Phillies' giving Ryne Sandberg to the Cubs.
Best basketball player: Philadelphia, Wilt Chamberlain. Chicago, Dwyane Wade: And don't give me Michael Jordan, whose birthplace (Brooklyn, N.Y.) is closer to Philadelphia than Chicago.
Best dynasty: Philadelphia, A's, 1929-31. Chicago, Bulls, 1990s: OK, no arguing that one. Probably would have had more if MJ didn't take up baseball.
Native college basketball coaches: Philadelphia, Herb Magee/John Chaney. Chicago, Mike Krzyzewski: Coach K would get the nod, except he doesn't coach a Chicago school. Check the all-time wins list lately, sausage breath? Magee 907. Coach Krz 868. (Coach K's club did thump up Temple in that 1988 regional final.)
Dopiest fan: Philadelphia, Matthew Clemmens. Chicago, Steve Bartman: Clemmens, who just pled guilty to vomiting on people at Citizens Bank Park, deserved the black eye he got in his mugshot. The Cubs still had plenty of chances to win that 2003 NLCS even after Bartman interfered with that foul ball.
Body of water: Philadelphia, Delaware, Schuylkill rivers. Chicago: Lake Michigan: Be honest. Would you eat anything caught from the Schuylkill? Plus, Lake Michigan is really cool when it isn't frozen.
Longest major-championship drought: Philadelphia, Eagles, 50 years. Chicago, Cubs, 102 years: That's why Steve Bartman is the best.
Most famous one-time resident: Philadelphia, Ben Franklin. Chicago, Barack Obama: The president is charming, but let's see him out flying a kite in a lightning storm.
Most prominent college: Philadelphia, Penn. Chicago, Northwestern: If Northwestern wasn't in the Midwest, it'd be in the Ivy League. But it is in the Midwest, so it's not.
Shopping: Philadelphia, Walnut Street. Chicago, Magnificent Mile: The only thing hanging with the MM for this kind of thing is the Forum Shops in Vegas. King of Prussia isn't bad, but it's not in Philadelphia.