Mercedes EQS EV Sedan: A dreamy ride but a sleepy drive

2022 Mercedes EQS 580 4Matic Sedan vs. 2022 Audi RS e-tron GT: Battle of the crazy luxurious — and crazy pricey — EVs.

This week: Mercedes EQS580.

Price: $141,400 as tested. Energizing Air Control Plus, $450; beltbag, $500; head-up display, $1,100; laminated safety glass, $1,010; AMG Line Interior Package, $2,100. More noted throughout.

Conventional wisdom: Car and Driver liked the “truly awe-inspiring interior, more range than German EV rivals, a showcase of Mercedes’s latest technology,” but not “less range than Lucid and Tesla models, Hyperscreen is prone to reflections in sunlight, floaty suspension on undulating roads.”

Marketer’s pitch: “The EQS is here to make every day a fresh start for your own future.”

Reality: Beauty, prestige, and … hope that’s enough.

What’s new: The whole thing. Mercedes calls it, “More than a new era of motoring, it’s the new flagship of the electric fleet.”

Competition: Porsche Taycan, Tesla Model S, Audi RS e-Tron GT

Up to speed: Because the EQS is electric and expensive, it stands to reason that it moves quickly. Drivers can reach 60 mph in 3.7 seconds, according to the decidedly unimpressed Motor Trend, which points to faster Tesla models.

Still, I found the 516 horses at the ready for whatever — passing, hill climbing, blasting off into space. It’s just ridiculously quick. Riquickulous.

(A less expensive rear-wheel-drive version makes 329 horses.)

Back down again: Unfortunately, the brakes felt late to the party, a feeling confirmed by a fellow EQS driver.

But it’s all an illusion, evidently. Motor Trend measured the stopping distance and christened it “reasonably impressive,” just 115 feet from 60 to stop.

Shiftish: Even though EVs don’t need gears, Mercedes offers paddle shifters to control the nothing. The EQS moves faster than I can shift and absolutely doesn’t need a power boost, so I didn’t bother.

On the road: After braking, here’s the second spot where the Mercedes and I stopped seeing eye to eye. While most EVs are delightful vehicles, transmitting all the joy of the curves to the driver, the Mercedes seemed to want to mask anything to do with the road from you. Sure, it’s smooth, thanks to the Airmatic suspension damping, and the rear steering makes corners just disappear, but ho hum. Even Sport mode didn’t sporten things up much.

In the profile: And while I’m whining, this was about the most universally panned exterior I’ve tested in a long while. It looks like a longer Chevy Volt, which was never that handsomest car out there.

Driver’s seat: But it sure is nice to be inside. The front multicontour seats with massage, part of the $4,350 pinnacle trim, make for a nice location. The anthracite-colored linden wood dash and 64-color lighting make the experience everything you could want.

Almost everything, that is. Controlling the seat happens through seat-shaped controls on the door. Never my favorite setup, Mercedes has gone one worse but jamming the heat and cooling controls on there as well. They are not made for on-the-fly adjustments, unless you like danger when you travel. (Please say you don’t.)

Friends and stuff: Of course, I thought, this giant EV that seems ready to scrape both sides of my garage at once will have plenty of interior space. So we expected no issue with Sturgis Kids 1.0 and 4.0 along with Sturgis Husband 1.0 riding in the back seat for a half-hour ride to a restaurant.

No deal. After a few minutes, the young couple abandoned the lanky young lad and opted for their Scion iM, saying that despite the EQS legroom, headroom, and foot room, the seat was shaped weirdly and would not work for more than a few moments.

They could not be lured by power-operated heated and ventilated rear seats with comfort rear center armrest with wireless charging, the massaging feature — part of the $1,690 Executive Rear Seat Package Plus — or even the pillowy soft headrests unlike you’ve experienced anywhere else.

Cargo space is 22 cubic feet behind the seats and 63 with the rear seat folded, about what you get in a Kia Soul. The EQS hatchback door is also a nice touch. The space is not so small that it would be a dealbreaker, except the vehicle is so big and cumbersome with so little reward.

Play some tunes: I can’t complain about the stereo, mostly. The Burmester 3D Surround Sound System offered nice playback (about an A-) and largely ease of operation with a largely large 17.7-inch touchscreen.

Unless you were in CarPlay, Apple’s audio adapter for vehicles, and wanted to skip a song. Whatever you’re supposed to do with the steering wheel controls never became clear, and in CarPlay, the skip arrows are roughly two pixels of the ginormous touchscreen. Here’s another way to dent your $150,000 Mercedes.

Keeping warm and cool: The touchscreen controls for these functions complete the trifecta of ways of denting your EQS, as the fan buttons are quite small, require a hard push, and then change the screen.

Plug it in: The EQS only had one lonely port for charging. Choices are good, says Audi in our next episode.

Range: 350 miles. The EQS comes with its own 200kw fast charge system, in addition to the little cord for Chez Sturgis.

Mercedes says the EQS can add just under half the range in 15 minutes at DC fast chargers.

Where it’s built: Sindelfingen, Germany

How it’s built: The EQS Sedan gets a 2 out of 5 predicted reliability from Consumer Reports, about on par with her Mercedes sedans. (The GLC SUV gets a 4 out of 5.)

Next week: 2022 Audi RS e-tron GT