Is Boscov’s selling the most offensively Pennsylvania outfit ever?

I was lured to the Boscov’s at Granite Run the other weekend by a mailer I’d received advertising a one-day shoe sale — buy any pair, get the second for $1.99.

I went early to beat the crowds only to find the bounds of polite society had dissipated at the shoe department and it’d become The Hunger Games, but with footwear and senior citizen tributes (who are far more ruthless than their younger counterparts).

Flustered, I set off to browse the rest of the store. The first thing you might find yourself wondering as you wander around a Boscov’s is: “How does this place even exist?” It’s a full-scale department store that sells everything from perfume to sofas. I even discovered an entire candy counter on the second floor that during a previous visit I’d never noticed before. As it turns out, this Reading-based chain is in the fudge-making business too.

Legions of other department stores have fallen in the last few decades — Kaufmann’s, Bradlees, Hills, Hess’s — yet Boscov’s abides. The Granite Run Boscov’s is particularly a beast unburdened by the sands of time. It was previously an anchor store for the Granite Run Mall, which was torn down around it in 2016 to make way for the Promenade at Granite Run. Only Boscov’s remains of the once-storied mall. It is a rock that shall not be moved, a pillar to in-person purchasing.

As I was browsing the brightly-lit aisles that fateful Saturday this month, wondering if the lights might give me a sunburn, my eyes fell upon something I can never unsee: matching camouflage sweat suits.

Here were outfits that managed to do what no state legislature or psychological expert ever has: They married rural and urban Pennsylvania.

As someone who spent her formative years growing up in Lycoming County — where we had the first day of hunting season off from school — I can attest that camouflage is not just for stalking prey and sitting in tree stands. It’s an entire sartorial color category all its own in rural Pennsylvania.

Camo is mixed and matched with everything and considered appropriate for all events, from weddings to funerals (think of it like Birds gear during a playoff run). I’ll never forget looking at photos from my wedding and realizing a guest from Central Pennsylvania wore a camo baseball hat to our reception.

Now, a matching tracksuit is something you rarely see in rural Pennsylvania, but it’s practically a closet-staple around Philly. You’ll see at least one person wearing one at every Wawa, Acme, or outdoor event you visit in the region.

Typically paired with sunglasses, these outfits are not only comfortable but incredibly stress-free. No need to worry about what to pair your sweatshirt with because there’s only one answer, the matching sweatpants you bought with it.

Standing stunned before these camouflage sweatsuits, which came in both his and hers, I wondered if Boscov’s had thrown back a few beverages before deciding to sell these things.

As a Pennsylvanian, I was highly offended. We the people of this fine commonwealth are more than camo and sweat suits! We are camo OR sweat suits.

But maybe, just maybe, by blending these two wildly different fashions together as the holidays approach, Boscov’s will also blend us. No more Philly, Pittsburgh, and the T in between. No more red counties and blue counties. This could be the one outfit to unite us all, while also helping us blend into woodland scenes.

When I posted a picture of the camo sweatsuits on Threads, several users pointed out that Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts recently wore a matching camouflage suit when the Birds traveled to Green Bay. I was surprised, as Hurts is typically a very stylish dude who wears Kangol hats and carries a man bag, but people suggested his outfit could have been a fashion statement indicating he was on the hunt.

Who better though to serve as the ambassador of the camouflage sweat suit and unite our state than Hurts? He’s cool under pressure, so he could take the heat of promoting an undeniably terrible outfit for the greater good, and he grew up in Texas, so it’s safe to assume he’s familiar with camo (and we already know he’s not afraid to wear it).

It wasn’t until I got home and looked at my photo of the sweat suits that I noticed there was a sign at the top of the store display billing these outfits as “Rustic Romance.”

Listen, I know that Pennsylvanians’ reputation for romance does not precede us, but that’s just insulting. There’s nothing romantic about letting your partner know you want them to look more like fall foliage.

I guarantee if you get your lady a matching camo sweat suit for Christmas, she’s not going to fawn all over you — she will hunt you down.