How a long-haul COVID-19 survivor learned to make peace with her new life

“Long-hauler.” How I hate the label I have become!

I am tired. Tired of doctors, tired of hospitals, tired of fits of coughing that totally disrupt anything I’m doing, tired of no sleep because of nightmares and shortness of breath, tired of fatigue, headaches and brain fog, tired of asthma attacks that terrify me because I can’t get my breath.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve always been healthy. Yet I’m getting worse. My arm became numb. The next day it was paralyzed. Emergency testing confirmed that I had a spinal cord compression. The surgeon suspected violent coughing caused a vertebra to press into my spinal cord. The surgery was successful, but the scar on the front of my neck became a daily reminder of just how vulnerable my life has become.

» READ MORE: Vaccination is helping some long COVID survivors even after symptoms persist.

I became outraged with Covid; just the word made me want to hide and fight at the same time. I felt betrayed by my lungs. I began to realize that my health would never return to “normal.” Some days I didn’t even want to get out of bed because I never knew what the day would bring.

Luckily for me, I am involved with the work of Opus Peace, a non-profit organization that helps people who become disconnected from their sense of self after trauma. The resultant “soul injury” is a wound to your BE-ing. Exactly what Covid had done to me.

I could no longer do the things I used to do. I often felt like I was a burden. I no longer felt “good enough” – as a woman, a mother, wife, employee. I wasn’t even a good neighbor anymore. In one short year, I had become a stranger in my own life. I not only felt separated from my own self, I felt divorced from her!

Then, my Opus Peace training kicked in: “Re-own and re-home scattered pieces of yourself so you can be restored to wholeness.” How do I acknowledge and “re-own” lungs that have become my enemy? How do I make a safe “home” for the brave part of myself holding my suffering when most days I feel depleted of courage?

How do I stand before an audience teaching holistic tools for soul restoration if I’m not willing to practice them myself? Do I believe in the value of these tools or not? Do I really want to remain the “victim” for the rest of my life or do I want to learn how to let emotional pain and peace co-exist without fear?

» READ MORE: Some COVID-19 long haulers have had symptoms since the first wave. Can they still get better?

It took me several days to mount my courage to create brave space; it took me a few weeks to let myself feel my helplessness instead of trying to control what I could no longer control, but finally I picked up my pen and journal and used a tool that I’ve witnessed help hundreds of other people. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Recovering Lungs,

It’s been more than a year since COVID attacked you. When you didn’t recover, I became angry and bitter. Through it all you persevered, but I could only despise you for failing me, and I have harbored that resentment every day. The day the doctor told me about neck surgery, I truly disowned you!

I want you to know that I’ve had a change of heart. I’m willing to have more compassion for you now. When you are gasping for breath, I will stop cursing you and instead be grateful for how hard you are working to save my life. When doctors, medications, and procedures fail to help you, I will pray for grace and strength to persevere and support you. Please know I now realize you are doing the best you can. There will be times when I slip up and become angry and frustrated and that is legitimate. I’ll let myself feel those feelings and also let myself feel my hope, perseverance, and courage. I ask you to be patient with me. We will continue to work together, and I will do my best to strengthen you with rest, exercise, medications, and gratitude for lungs that haven’t given up on me.

Love, Angie

For more information visit www.OpusPeace.org. For resources visit www.OpusPeace.newzenler.com.

Angie Snyder lives with her family in Bally, Berks County, Pa.