Teen dating violence is shockingly common. How to spot it and stop it. l Expert Opinion
When you hear the words “domestic violence” or “‘intimate partner violence,’ you probably don’t think of it as a teen problem. But it is; TDV is a subset of intimate partner violence.
When you hear the words “domestic violence” or “’intimate partner violence,” you probably don’t think of it as a teen problem. But it is; teen dating violence, or TDV, is a subset of intimate partner violence.
“Marcus McTear was a star running back at Reagan High School in Austin, Texas,” the ABC News program 20/20 reported in 2006. “At 16, he was bright and popular and dreamed of college until a spring day in March 2003. The popular athlete stabbed his girlfriend, Ortralla Mosley, to death in a school hallway after she tried to break up with him.”
Sometimes it makes the news, like this tragic case. Most of the time, it’s happening right under our noses.
TDV is common. National data from 2019 revealed:
1 in 11 female and 1 in 14 male high school students experienced TDV in the previous year.
TDV typically begins in adolescence between sixth and 12th grade.
26% of women and 15% of men who were victims of TDV first experienced it before age 18.
Only 33% of teens who have been victims of teen dating violence have told anyone.
Some teens are at greater risk than others. Sexual minority groups and some racial/ethnic minority groups are disproportionately affected by TDV.
Not all TDV is physical. In fact, many relationships where TDV is present may not have physical violence at all or may not start as physical abuse but quickly develop into physical violence. Types of TDV:
Psychological aggression: verbal and nonverbal communication with the intent to harm a partner mentally or emotionally and/or exert control over a partner.
Physical violence: hurting or trying to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical force.
Sexual violence: forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sex act and or sexual touching when the partner does not or cannot consent. It also includes nonphysical sexual behaviors such as posting or sharing sexual pictures of a partner without consent or sexting someone without consent.
Stalking: repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a partner that causes fear or concern for one’s own safety or the safety of someone close to the victim.
Why would a teenager stay in an abusive relationship ... and not tell someone?
Fear of the abuser
Unaware that behaviors such as teasing or name-calling are not part of a “normal” relationship
Fear of disclosure if the person is LGBTQ+ but is not “out.”
Feeling ashamed or blaming themselves for the abuse
Worry that no one will believe them
Belief that abuse is acceptable
It is sad that people who are victims of TDV as teens are at risk of being in abusive relationships as adults. Twenty-six percent of adult women and 15% of adult men who were victims of intimate partner violence experienced their first abuse before age 18. In addition, people who have experienced TDV violence in high school are more likely to be victims in college.
It takes a village: Parents, teachers, coaches, and anyone that interacts with teenagers are in key positions to notice signs of TDV:
Anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts or behaviors
Changes in sleep or eating behavior
Decline in grades
Substance abuse
Antisocial behaviors, such as lying, stealing, bullying, or hitting
Talk the talk: Yes, like most things about parenting, this can be awkward, but we know you can do it. Ask your kids about their friendships, relationships, and how these make them feel. Capture the moment to start the conversation: use a scene from a movie, a news story, or tart a random conversation in the car (they can’t escape and neither can you).
Walk the walk: Model healthy communication and behaviors in the home. This will help teach your children how to build skills in communication and respect, and set healthy boundaries with others. Practice with your children how to clearly state their feelings, opinions and desires. Talk about what is and what is not healthy in relationships. “Just say no” is not just about drugs. And if they see or hear about a friend in an abusive relationship, they need to tell a responsible adult.
Don’t talk or walk alone:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
The National Dating Abuse Helpline is available 24/7 by text, phone, and live chat. Call 866-331-9474 or visit loveisrespect.org.
Women Against Abuse (Philadelphia): 215-386-1280; 24-hour toll-free hotline: 866-723-3014
Community Health Advocates (Delaware): 302-757-2137
Caitlin Green is a fourth-year medical student at the Sidney Kimmel Medical College of Thomas Jefferson University. Rima Himelstein is an adolescent-medical physician at Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington.