A defiant, hopeful wedding in the midst of a pandemic

Ashlee Adams & Raj Kumar

Nov. 29, 2020, in Downingtown

Raj introduced himself to Ashlee over a table of chicken wings at a 2017 Pittsburgh Steelers playoff party. Her friends watched the game, but Ashlee — a native of Eagles territory with only mild interest in sports — found her gaze drifting from the screen toward the very cute, very polite Raj.

A week later, Ashlee, who grew up in Downingtown and was earning her master’s in social work at Pitt, and Raj, who grew up in suburban Atlanta and was earning his Ph.D. in epidemiology at the university, joined friends at happy hour. They sat next to each other and talked the whole time. Afterward, even though Ashlee had to catch a 2 a.m. bus to the Women’s March in Washington, she accepted his invitation to join him at a friend’s midnight jazz performance.

In a text assembled with the advice of several friends, Ashlee invited Raj to grab a drink after the movie that was the next planned group activity. As La La Land ended, Ashlee’s nerves began. They hadn’t talked about having drinks since the text. What if he no longer wanted to go? Best not to bring it up, she decided. “Hey,” said Raj as everyone left the theater, “do you still want to grab that drink?”

They talked about their families, their goals, their lives. An only child, Ashlee spoke of her tight bond with her parents. Raj is close to his as well, and to his sister. He showed her photos of his two young nieces, and she was further charmed by his obvious love for them. At her car, Raj kissed her goodbye.

Both had been mostly single through their 20s, wishing for a partner, but not wanting to invest in a relationship unless it had lifetime potential. It didn’t take long to realize this one did.

“It felt like we’d known each other for years even after we had only been together a couple of times,” said Raj. “We share the same values, morals, and goals. She shows so much kindness toward other people.”

After a few months of dating, Ashlee brought Raj home to meet her parents, Don and Beth. The four went on a hike, and as Ashlee walked next to her mother, she could hear Raj telling her father about their relationship and her father telling Raj stories from her childhood. “It felt like Raj had always been a part of us,” she remembered.

Soon after, Raj brought Ashlee to Georgia to meet his parents, Suresh and Shantha, his sister, Anita, brother-in-law Narain, and nieces Nishka and Mira. Raj’s parents loved that Ashlee wanted to learn all she could about their Indian culture. Shantha wrapped Ashlee in a sari and invited her to the kitchen where they made dosa, a savory crepe, together.

In October 2018, Raj, who is now 31, moved to New York to begin his postdoctoral fellowship at the Mount Sinai Hospital Brain Injury Research Center. Ashlee, who is now 33, spent a bit more time wrapping things up in Pittsburgh, but that November, she went to visit Raj at the Mount Sinai apartment on the Upper East Side where they now live.

They were putting furniture together on a Saturday morning when Raj suggested a walk in Central Park. As they neared the Gapstow Bridge, Raj handed his cell phone to a stranger from England and knelt. Ashlee said yes, and from various hiding places her parents and friends Hannah and Kyle emerged. As the group celebrated, other park visitors cheered and another stranger — a man with a professional camera — asked for Raj’s email address so he could send pictures he took, adding to the feeling that the world celebrated with them.

Ashlee moved to New York that December. She is a social worker at Mount Sinai and a psychotherapist at Park Avenue Psychotherapy.

They made 2020 plans: In April, they would have a traditional Hindu ceremony at the Sri Venkateswara Temple near Pittsburgh, one of the first Hindu temples built in the United States, and a luncheon for 75. In May, a second, nondenominational and mostly American-style wedding would include an Irish handfasting ceremony — a nod to Ashlee’s ethnic heritage — with a few Hindu traditions woven in. They and 200 guests would celebrate at a barn-turned-venue in Lancaster County. “There are so few times in life when everyone we love is in one place, and we viewed it as that — a big coming together of our friends and family,” Ashlee said.

Then, early in 2020, a new virus emerged, and in March, the World Health Organization characterized COVID-19 as a pandemic. “That hadn’t happened before in my lifetime, and I knew it was serious,” said Raj. “We were in the epicenter. It did not seem responsible for us to have a wedding.”

At first, they pushed the American-style wedding to August and postponed the Hindu ceremony indefinitely. As time passed and the pandemic worsened, they read reports of weddings that were superspreader events. Their hospital set up tents in Central Park. Ashlee began treating people — including many health-care workers — for COVID-related post traumatic stress syndrome.

The epidemiologist and the therapist decided they could not plan a gathering for all those they love anytime in 2020. They were sad, but also defiant. “The pandemic was preventing us from having a wedding, but we decided it shouldn’t prevent us from getting married,” Raj said.

In late October 2020, the couple called Ashlee’s parents to ask if they could marry at their Downingtown home a month later. The couple hoped for a few candles and some flowers, but that wasn’t even close to enough for Ashlee’s mother, Beth, who Ashlee said is “kind of magic.”

Beth founded the nonprofit Petals Please, which rearranges donated event flowers into bouquets it delivers to residents of senior care communities and nursing homes, hospice patients, and others. The mother of one bride who donated flowers lent a small forest of pre-lit trees. A Petals Please volunteer helped Beth arrange flowers purchased from a flower farm. Florist Krista Jones, who was previously a social worker, created bouquets for the bride and maid of honor as a gift. After the wedding, all flowers were given to residents of Simpson Meadows.

Before Beth retired, she was the community liaison for Willow Tree Hospice and Don has volunteered there for many years. Lee, the hospice chaplain, officiated the wedding while Christina, a music therapist, and Diane, a violinist who volunteered, provided song. All were glad to participate in such a happy occasion.

Raj bought a bunch of webcams.

The couple, her parents, the chaplain, the musicians, and maid of honor Hannah — all of whom received negative COVID test results — were the only people physically present at the wedding. Ashlee’s father met her at the foot of the stairs and walked her through the kitchen to the living room, where she and Raj exchanged the vows they wrote for each other.

More than 300 people from Ireland, India, France, Amsterdam, England, Nicaragua, and across the United States watched over Zoom. Many of the virtual guests would later say that because the cameras brought them so close to what was happening, they felt more a part of the ceremony than they had at typical weddings. A father with young children said post-pandemic weddings should have a Zoom option.

“The pandemic has been so taxing on everyone,” observed Raj, who studies loneliness as part of his work. “People have been socially isolated and for many, this was the only social event they had participated in. People were crying happy, cathartic tears.”

At the end of the ceremony, Ashlee, Raj, and the few attending in person stood in front of a screen so they and the virtual guests could all see and hear one another as everyone sang the Beatles’ “Here Comes the Sun.”

Ashlee will never forget hearing Raj’s nieces — now her nieces, too — belting out those hopeful words.

Plain Dosa Recipe by Shantha Kumar

What is dosa?

A dosa is thin crepe-like savory dish, originating from South India, made from a fermented batter predominantly consisting of lentils and rice. Plain dosa is the traditional dosa recipe and works well with the right type of parboiled rice and can be spread with chutney or spice powder, filled with dry curry, and made into rolls. The recipe can be scaled and used for smaller portions and the fermented batter can be used in batches after storing by refrigeration.

Ingredients:

3 cups parboiled rice

1 cup urad dal

1/2 tsp. salt

3-4 tbsp. oil

3-4 cups water

Tools: A nonstick or iron griddle, ladle, flat plastic turner, large vessel

Directions:

1. Wash and soak rice and urad dal separately in water to cover for about 6 hours.

2. Grind separately urad dal to a smooth batter and the soaked rice to a fine coarse ground batter, adding salt and additional water if necessary. Mix the two batters well in a large vessel (about half filled with batter), cover, and allow to ferment overnight at room temperature. The batter will rise overnight, so a larger vessel is preferred.

3. Use a nonstick or iron griddle for making dosas and a flat plastic turner to flip the dosa. If using nonstick griddle, do not add oil in the beginning, only after cooking dosa for a few seconds. When using an iron griddle, 1 tsp. oil may be added prior to adding the batter to the pan.

4. If the batter is thick, 1/4-1/2 cup water may be stirred in, so it has a pouring consistency. Heat a pan. To test if it’s hot enough, sprinkle water on the pan prior to pouring the batter and it should sizzle.

5. Pour two large ladles of batter on the middle of the pan, which should be quite hot. Immediately, starting from the middle, use the back of the ladle to draw the batter outwards in a continuous concentric movement into a large, circular dosa.

6. Let it cook for about half a minute until the batter becomes porous and translucent. Add 1-2 tsp. oil around the edges and a few drops in the center and let cook for another 30 seconds. Flip the dosa using a flat turner and cook for another 30 seconds before removing from the pan.